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Old 01-27-2018, 08:57 PM  
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plzmakeitstop has no updates.
Member Since: Jan 2018
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Default Tantrums/self-consciousness with Covert NPD

I have recently found out that I probably have Covert NPD, my dad has it too, albeit in a much more severe form than I do (he is a lifelong drug user and a domestic abuser. I'm clean and I've never been in a physical fight or hit anyone, but I have other issues.) I hate it, but at least I know what's been wrong with me all this time, and it really helps to know other people experience similar things - I was beginning to feel like I was all alone with my issues.

The two worst ways it manifests for me are the narcissistic rage tantrums and the mimicking of NPD relatives when I am stressed/feel insecure. I have these times where I feel so alone and hopeless and angry that I just start screaming and crying hysterically, sometimes for hours. It's usually after I make a mistake or cause a problem or do something wrong, I get "triggered" and it feels like my soul is shattering and everything I love and trust is gone forever, and I just have to scream. My mom and stepfather are at the breaking point about it, but nobody really takes me seriously when I try to get help, because I have an ironclad "social" self that takes over when I'm outside the home, and I can't open up even if I want to. Usually people try to blame my mom and stepdad, which is hilarious, because it's definitely my time with my drug addicted, wife-beating father with a severe personality disorder that traumatized me. Trust me when I say my mom and stepdad are kind, sensitive, smart people, and they are doing everything they can to cope with my disorder and help me get better.

And then there's the "mannerisms." It's like I can't be myself anymore when I'm insecure or under pressure, and for some reason, I start having the "affect" of my dad and his extended family (they're all dangerously arrogant and unstable as well.). It's like I don't have any personality of my own when I'm insecure, so I just graft onto someone else's. My mom has PTSD from the domestic abuse, and when I start acting that way, it upsets her so much she feels repulsed by me. It's really hard to be a person with NPD, and to know that people are repulsed and afraid of you, and feel like there's very little you can do about it. It makes me horribly self-conscious, and an occurrence of mannerisms often triggers a tantrum. And if you reply to this, please don't say my mom is imagining it. I agree with her I'm doing the mannerisms, I just don't know how to get self-aware enough of them to stop.(Also relevant, I found myself in a sexually abusive "relationship" about three years ago, and although I have since left that behind, I have been much more self-conscious since that experience.) I've thought about trying to train myself out of the mannerisms with poise coaching or something, but I'm very poor and I doubt I could afford the treatment I'd need to do any good. And please don't say "it's okay to be awkward, just love yourself!" or something like that. It has about the same effect as telling someone with depression that "everyone gets down sometimes." These mannerisms are not my natural state, I'm having a very real problem, so please take me seriously if you reply.

I just feel so alone - right now it feels like I'm the only one that has NPD and is trying to learn to fight it - the internet is full of advice on how to defend yourself from "the narcissist," but not much on what to do if you ARE "the narcissist." I just can't take anymore of feeling like I can't control my actions - I don't think I'd ever make a serious plan, but I wish I was dead at least once a week. I feel like I can't concentrate on my schoolwork - all I do is sit and worry, and then talk compulsively for hours about how I'm worried, and I'm critically self conscious about the mannerisms.

Anyway, I realize this was a HORRIBLY long post, but if you have any thoughts on something that would help me, or if you also have NPD and have had a similar experience, maybe even figured out a way to combat it, tell me what you think. Thanks for reading.
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