I'm not sure why it happened. I was feeling really low last night and all of a sudden I the thought "I wonder what it'd be like to cut myself" popped into my head. When I'm really low or very anxious (I suffer from both clinical depression as well as several anxiety disorders and I'm also diagnosed with autism) I sometimes think about hurting myself to punish myself but I've never crossed that line until yesterday (well, except for occasionally hitting myself in the head when I get overwhelmed). I had been drinking with a friend a few hours before that so I guess my inhibitions were lowered and when the thought popped into my mind I just got up, went into the kitchen, found a sharp knife and cut myself.

I felt really ashamed right after it happened. Still do. It's about 3:30pm the next day and I've been feeling so ashamed all day. The wound has been stinging all day so it's not like I can forget it's there. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe feeling this way will keep me from engaging in this sort of self-injorious behaviour again. I don't know. At the same time I'm worried it'll be easier to cross the line now that I've already done it once.

Anyway, I wish I had someone to talk to about this but don't feel like I do (well, there are people I could tell but I don't dare to) so I thought I'd write about it and post it here. I'm not sure if I have any questions or anything. Guess I'm just looking for support. I hope this post isn't too stupid.

Thanks for reading.