Hello azureknight88,
forgive me if I post in an old thread, but your message just got to me. I hope you're feeling better.
I know from personal experience how painful it is to end up making the same mistakes time after time, even though you try with all your might not to do so. I still haven't found a way to forgive myself, so I can't offer you any real advice. But please remember that it's not your mistakes that define you, and that you're not the sum of them nor do they subtract anything to the amount. They're a part of you, but they are not you. You is so much more than that.