By which I mean I have had chronic depression for as long as I can remember and have in the last couple of years put it down to CPTSD.

I have such entrenched shame about my feelings and self-expression to the point where I think my depression only goes so far. What I mean is that I have never committed suicide because I couldn't bare the shame of no one coming to my funeral, or rather my family seeing I have no life, I don't act on impulses because I don't want people to think I am seeking attention. My inhibition is so entrenched that I can't fully express myself and part of that is being depressed.

I know these sound like good things, I am not trying to say acting on these impulses are a good thing. I just feel like I am stuck in being chronic and it never gets serve because of my inhibition. This is how I feel anyway. I am so scared of being called an attention seeker people finding out what a **** life I have all I can do is isolate myself and remain chronically depressed, which in the UK gets ignored.

I feel like I should have given up years ago, but I was too scared, too ashamed. I have a strong ability to endure **** and pain, but not to overcome it.