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Old 02-25-2018, 09:56 AM  
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BriarHeart18 has no updates.
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: New York
Posts: 6
2 yr Member
Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
I almost spit my coffee out when I read this because I think I was almost reading about myself.

My day dreams of me being amazing and saving people I want to pay more attention to me or me being saved by those I want more attention from.

I just don't go on vacations or to parties because the stress of putting "nice" clothes on makes me want to slice and stab myself by how much I think I am fat and ugly.

Unfortunately when I hear about shootings or earthquakes or about an event where people died I am like "good less people in the world" or I get jealous I am not dead.

I could not figure out what to become. Everytime I met someone who I though had it together I would say I am going to school for what they are. It ranged from speech pathologist, graphic designer. I could not find my own identity.

I would go into what is called emotional flashback all the damn time at a job every time I was talked to on how to do something better or how I should behave or smile more. That job almost killed me.

My daydreams are about me looking really great in front of people, mostly the people who used to bully me in Middle school except fast-forwarded to now and my therapist, people from my school life now, and current friends. They can range from being pretty normal such as imagining myself telling a joke or acting funny to them (MS bullies mainly), being shocked at how good I look now and how much I’ve changed. Or my new friends now, pitying me or being shocked at my mental health. It’s pretty much daydreaming of all types of attention.

Dude, earlier this week I wore a dashiki that I love under a light jacket and panicked because I thought I look gross and just ditched the shirt for the jacket itself but paid for it later because it was damn near 80 degrees and I suffered through it because I thought I looked awful. But I’ve never skipped out of anything due to clothing but god, a “bad outfit” can send my self-esteem through the ****ing window.

Hmmmmm for me it’s not being grateful they’re dead but the smallest thing can make me want the world to end or hate humanity. Or better yet I’ve read possible apocalyptic scenarios one of them involving a super volcano and I genuinely read it with fear and relief mixed with a little excitement.

For me it was career choice a little too. Going to college was so hard partly because nearly every major or minor sounded interesting and I could see myself having a career in all of them and not being able to decide ****.

Hmmm speaking of criticism, how do you feel about failure/perfectionism btw? I’m typically hard on my artwork and super anxious about anything I do basically. Last week we were getting back a math quiz and I literally thought “wow if I failed this I’ll kill myself”. I also feel a type of way if I dress super one day and see someone dressed even better.

I’m glad for the input because it sure as hell seems we have a lot in common. But to be clear, you’re BPD or Narc?
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