Holy moly, what a day I've had. Sometimes I feel so thin... which I'm not, lol. Just average.

Atypical, it was so fascinating and absorbing to read your response to my communication. It's so weird to have your frankness. It's like a psychedelic trip.

Regarding seeing narcissists/NPD excessively - I suspect part of what you say is correct. I may be seeing some where it is not. But 2 things changed for me. One is that I never heard of NPD until fairly recently and it's effect on my being was profound. My poor NPD partner was revealed - and my vice-like layers of confusion and angst came into focus. My NPD has no idea. It's like I just got handed his playbook. So the second thing is my awareness is heightened - and whenever that happens you see more of something because you're noticing, not imagining. So perhaps both phenomenon are at work. And yes, I am quick to doubt my judgement because I've been conditioned to. Bad for me. Good for NPD ex. However you're correct there's more to it than that. I didn't just appear this way any more than you did. In fact, I have a terrible time making judgments about things, particularly people.

Quote: "There are endless websites about us narcissists, and I know full well that I am a rare case, most of us never gain much awareness (if any) about ourselves, our motives, and our actions."

Yes, it seems you have a high degree of self-insight. Isn't it weird to know and understand, and still find it so difficult to be anything else?!

Quote: "Verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse is, in my opinion, more difficult to deal with than any physical brutality. I am speaking from my personal experiences here, I am no stranger to suffering."

Yup, same camp. But even though you deal in your way, I wish you hadn't had to suffer what life handed you. Thanks for not being offended by my attempt to get a handle on my stuff. I appreciate your suggestion that self-insight may lead to growth and change, I hope so. I'm trying. You have a good understanding, and I hope it influences your chances of health also. I'm sorry you've harmed others. I think it harms you too, especially because you know. You see it. My ex's biggest fear is that he IS what he is. He tries to escape, so he doesn't just gaslight me, he gaslights himself also.

Quote: "Being healthy is my goal. I am not a good person, that will never change. I've accepted that. But what I can change is how I deal with the hand I was dealt in life, and I think that is all anyone can reasonably do, if they're being honest with themselves which I do believe you are."

Atypical, I truly believe you deserve this as much as anyone else. There was an original healthy you - as there was with me. But it was taken from us. Like any theft, it's inherently senseless on some level. And fairness, well obviously, this has nothing to do with fair. I appreciate you're offering me a glimpse into your head. It does help. I would be glad to offer my side of things, if it ever helps you.

Obviously being victimized sucks. And creating havoc and despair... well I can not believe it's fulfilling for you at the end of the day. At the best it's a bag of chips. A distraction and a thrill to see your "effect".

It's interesting, and I hope not to attract the attention of bible enthusiasts - but there is something about the 12 tribes of Israel. Each was chosen for a purpose based on attributes that were not altogether good. The Levites for example (or was it the Cohenim) were sneaky and secretive. Their attributes were used for good by assigning them the keepers of the Holy of Holys. Another tribe... they were violent. So they were used as the guardians of Israel... You get the idea. All humans are is a bunch of attributes - to be used for good or ill.

You, because you have the insight, have at least the possibility of choice. You are not just a repeating algorithm. (Not that I want/need that kind of pressure right now, myself). But you have a set of attributes. They grew out of whatever. Some were you. Some are the armor you built. But how you use them is entirely up to you.

In a purely narcissistic view, I do believe healthy will be more fulfilling for you, will leave you satiated the way your unhealthy impulses never can. But, if you have a world view that is anything other than ultimate chaos and pain for all - you can opt to support your view with your actions. Perhaps we can try it out together as a couple of very unlikely allies!

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I hope within the safety of the forum, I'm not indulging my own unhealthy impulses by connecting with you, which I enjoy. But honestly, if the goal of "more healthy" is a common goal - I'm glad to be in it together, however unexpected it may be.