To begin with, let me talk about our backgrounds a little. I'm a NT with depression and prone to being paranoid, grew up in a family with angry issue parent. He is an Aspie with PTSD from highschool bullying and has been dwelling in his room for over 7 years, he barely goes out and has only online friends.

I met my ex on a social network 2 years ago. At first we were just best friends, we only started dating a few months later on Nov 2016. We loved each others a lot. At last, it was him who broke up last month.

We both had responsibility on it. I never could truly moved on from what happened at our start - he flirted around on the site we met, kept in touch with those who once got sexual with him, got obsessed with certain girl etc. He explained later that was because he didn't know what should do in a relationship nor was taking it seriously, he then made a promise to me and had stopped flirting since. Yet that had enough to increase my trust issue and I started to assume and accuse him of ridiculous things.

We argued most of the time because of things that triggered me to complain, but he never listen. This was the cycle which caused the arguments: he did something> I told him that wasn't right to do for someone in a relationship and that made me sad> he refused to listen saying either "this is just internet trolling/for fun" "there is no issue" "i don't need to listen/ I don't care" > it irritated me so I went on explaining > then he found it more annoying and refused more saying "this is your own issue" or " whatever. move on" > of course I couldn't move on and I went on and on in wish he could listen. But that was I didn't understand his condition. I later found out that he was unable to understand the issues and the feeling I had towards them.

And after each argument like that, my insecurity got worse. I slowly started to do awful things like interrogating his schedule a lot or checking him up by messaging girls he had interacted to or making negative post on that site about him. Yes, I know I was really really terrible... I totally lost it at that time and have even become obsessive, possessive and manipulated in his eyes. At first, he still was always patient and forgiving enough to me although he got super annoyed. However, the time of our argument was way too much, We had even hit to an extent that he had been mentioned to break up for 4 times, yet he always came back saying "i love you, i don't want us to argue anymore" after a few days break. Ungratefully, I was all blinded by my negative emotion, got triggered by the slightest thing and complained and argued over and over again throughout the year. Last Christmas, we decided to meet to see if we could go on, we spent 2 weeks together and surprisingly had a really great loving time together but forgot to fix the issues. As soon as I went back home, I started arguing with him again daily because of my insecurity and he got fed up.

Despite all the arguments, we were all silly and sappy. We were in the same vein and still, got along so well and know each others enough to finish each other's sandwiches. In video games, we are a very good team even though I'm not as good as him. Staying up to talk or play video games was our weekend activity. On weekdays, we always had each other in the morning and evening. He told me he had never ever experienced the feeling "love" before he met me. When we met in person, he even cried for me on the last day, that was the only time he cried in about 8 years and the only time he did for someone.

After the split, I have done a deep self reflection, seeking for advice for improving myself and sorting my head out. I regret so much that I never truly knew about what is Asperger's Syndrome and regret so much that I bottled up all my negatives and unloaded onto him as I wanted him to be my only emotion support. Now I am learning how to deal with my depression, loving myself and staying positively. I have hope that I could handle any further issues in the future, I would accept his flaws and bring the best out of him. I came back appear positively asking if we could get back together but he said no determinedly and just wanted to be friends. There was another day he said he needed time, and another day he said no again, which is very confusing. At first when we were talking, he still sent love song and lyrics to me and talked about things I gave him. I have asked him the same for a few times really. The last time was weeks ago, which he was pissed the most, told me to find another man and move on and that we are not ever getting back together as he doesn't want it anymore. I told him that we could start new and I wanted to help him with his future and exploring the rest of our life together like those two weeks in Christmas by staying close together, he rejected me saying we could still be best friends to do those. He said he still loves me but not in love. And after that, he avoided all sentimental stuffs and pulled back, became very sensitive whenever we talked.

In the whole period from the day we split til now, I have took 2 really small breaks (2-4days) away from him in order to give him space and time. However, he still messaged me daily like he used to reporting to me what he did daily. Meanwhile, since we were famous couple on that site, he kept commenting around telling people that we aren't together anymore like I'm a plague. Also, there were some people the site asking about our relationship in our pm, some were even trying to help us out. I feel as though no-contact rule doesn't work on him but would pull us more distanced so I decided to talk to him again lately. It seemed okay although he would still brought up his annoyance from the past, I just stayed quiet or explained it with the least words then we talked about random things again. At first he still used our pet names that we made together when we were a thing, and sometimes he would still mention my body. I don't know if he still has feelings for me or if he was just on his spectrum... I have just stopped myself and others talking about anything in terms of our relationship. Still, it aches me whenever he talks to me as a friend. I'm haunted by this unreturned love, by the thought of him would be with another person. I fear if I say anything wrong would only push him away.

last week someone else on the site referred us as a thing and got him triggered, he showed very dismissed towards me now. We then talked about random stuffs and accidentally came across the topic. He was pissed thinking back of what happened, saying that he still couldn't see I have changed (this was totally misunderstanding since there were two users misused words). He said he hated me and hate it and never want to do this again, and said that he is going to find someone local and autistic. I tried to talk about things like "what made me so special?" "what we had in common?" "have I made him felt so bad?" in order to apologize to him for my past hurtful assumption and accusations. He didn't accept it but kept saying " irrelevant" and "doesn't matter now". He seems so hurting and got afraid of me. When I asked him why does he still talk to me, he said I am still his best friend. I feel so devastated now and want to be away a bit. So I was away again. When I got back, he had become talkative with many others now, it seemed I don't matter anymore.On Saturday, he messaged me for random stuffs and I responded so late, he dismissed me again, I asked for the reason and I burst out my feelings, he instantly found me annoying and said we aren't good for being friends or otherwise. But the next day he still messaged me again, and I ignored his message again. I feel as though we are really steeping to the end if I stop talking to him. If only he didn't dismiss me, It would be a better communication. How to fix this? I don't know what to do now.