Look in the mirror...can't believe how fat I've become. Go to the kitchen and eat the worst thing for me. Start to eat healthy. Make it through 1/2 the first day before I feel deprived and need to eat cookies or sweets or anything. Maybe make it a whole day or two, feel better about myself and give myself a treat or two. Or, decide I want to start to eat healthy and find myself at McDonalds eating a large fry and big mac.

I love my food, but there is so much more behind this than that. I feel as though food is my only real enjoyment. It soothes me, I enjoy the flavors in my mouth, I taste everything and think about it when it's no where near me.

I lost much of my emotional ups and downs and sexuality after having a total hysterectomy 5 years ago. Food has now become what my sexual desire used to be. It gives me a pleasure I can't get any other way.

I don't know how to fix this. Every time I am determined to stop eating all the junk and get in better shape, I get nervous feeling like I will never get to enjoy anything again.