I went to my pdoc (well, she's a nurse practitioner but whatever) today and she gave me a script for something for anxiety. Just waiting for it to be filled.

I can't get out of this rut--just circling, circling, thinking about how he lied and cheated. And I can't stop looking at her page. Watching him flirt with her like he does. Watching her eat it up. Thinking about how, when I messaged her and told her what was going on, she said, "I'm sorry he's doing this to you."

I'll bet he didn't lie to her. I'll bet she knew about me. I'll bet he told her that he was stuck in a thing with a horrible woman that he just couldn't get out of, and she was all too willing to make him feel better.

And here's me, feeling like I am the horrible woman. I know that everyone keeps telling me it's a lie. But then again, he is kind to other people. He's been in long term relationships. I sit here, yet again, feeling totally alone and desperate for some way to not feel so desperately alone.

I told my pdoc today that I had a little bit of fight, determination, and dignity in me before this all happened. And he took it...it's just...gone. I don't feel like I can fight against my mental illness anymore. I feel like all of the things he said are correct.

I'm sorry I am posting so much. I just don't know where else to go.