I don’t feel like a survivor because it’s still fresh but I am alive. My husband is in jail, he is on state parole so I didn’t even have to do anything except make the call to get him taken away. My problem is that I still love him. I saw him today for the first time in 18 days. It was a good visit, I didn’t cry. I’m not experienced with this jail crap and the mail rules. He has asked for some medical papers and pictures and artwork from the girls. (The girls are not his biologically but in this last year and 8 months, he had been the closest thing to a father that they have had in their short 7 and 8 year lives.) I apparently used the wrong type of envelope and picture size and artwork was on construction paper and in crayon, what else is expected from 7 and 8 year olds. I didn’t know the rules of mail, from what I found online everything I did was acceptable. Pictures have to be no bigger than 4x6, no one told me. So the things sent in the mail with the artwork are going to be returned to me. So, about 2 hours or less after the visit he calls and tells me how stupid I am that I can’t follow simple directions, totally ruined the better feeling I was having. As of now, I’ve only been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety, that’s been many years now. Reading on this site, I think I need to speak to my doctor about other things, for one PTSD from this incident, borderline personality disorder, and childhood emotional neglect. I know tomorrow, he’s going to call and tell me he misses me and loves me, and I’m going to believe it. I think he has an antisocial personality disorder but maybe he just doesn’t have a heart. He will not ever be allowed by law to live in the home we had together until he is off of state parole. That was going to be in 2021. There hasn’t been a hearing yet, the first 2 were continued and now it’s set for April 20. I’ve always had trust issues and I trusted him and revealed things to him that I didn’t share with anyone, he now uses those things against me. The verbal abuse has been going on for months. I grew up with that so after a while, it doesn’t hurt as much. The physical, that just started in the last month or two. His parole officer said that if by some chance he beats these charges, he will be released to a Community Corrections Center (kind of like a halfway house) and have mandatory counseling. Is there any hope of an abuser changing? Or did I just throw away the last almost 2 years of mine and my girls’ lives?