I am currently here with a relationship issue with my gay boyfriend. I have known him for 5 years, and for most of the time we were sex buddies, but we have been officially in a relationship for 7 months after his ex finally ended all contact with him when he found out he was seeing me for months. I have long suspected this is an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship, but I have never been certain and constantly found myself giving him the benefit of the doubt, even when the doubt was grave and need your guidance to understand if it really is and what I should do to address the issues and recover.
My boyfriend presents himself as a quiet, shy, honest, kind and vulnerable individual. He says he finds it difficult expressing emotions and might have social anxiety disorder. So I feel, as do many others, sympathy and that he needs to be taken care of and do favours for him. While many people hold this idea of him, myself and others who have had long intimate relationships with him, have discovered behind this facade quite the opposite and have had traumatic relationships with him.
A lot has happened with me that has constantly made me question his good facade and I found myself constantly trying to excuse all these doubts. It may help if I list them like this:
1. He constantly plays hot and cold with me. One day he is all over me and kissing me in front of everybody, the other he is blanking me for hours, indifferent and treating me like a stranger.
I feel uncertain.
His defence: It is based on his mood.
2. He never initiates any affection to me. He never makes any effort to hold my hand, hug me, kiss me or make much eye contact. I have to initiate every effort and he reciprocates inconsistently. He never says he loves me, unless I ask and then replies only "yeah"
I feel unloved.
His defence: He is shy and finds it hard to express emotions because hes not learned how to as hes not been in many relationships. He finds it hard to breath when we kiss. He needs alcohol to kiss me(but this is not true as hes kissed me before and others when sober)
3. He never asks me any questions about me. He never asks me how my day has been, comment on my appearance and clothes or ask me what is going on at work/life or how I am. We end up talking about him instead.
I feel unimportant.
His defence: He doesn't have to ask trivial questions like that when you know each other and I can share what I want myself(even when I do, he gives gives no opinion e.g. "How is this shirt looking? -- like a shirt does"
4. Silent treatment. When we have an argument or a fall out he remains silent for hours or storms off expecting me to chase him or does not see me for day/s and blocks me and does not respond to txts and msgs.
I feel lonely.
His defence: He can't be bothered or need space or time to clear his head
5. Rage. When I bring up any criticism of how his behaviour impacts me. The veneer of shyness falls and it is replaced by pure rage. His face no longer looks like the same person and he shouts and insults.
His defence: I have made him unhappy/I keep repeating the same issues
6. Not giving me attention when out with groups of friends. He barely spends time with me when we are out in a group of friends and is rarely next to me. He also disappears for 10-20 min at a time without telling me where he is.
I feel ignored,
His defence: I am being clingy and needy.
6. He takes without returning. When he spends all of his money, I end up paying for him and I just add that to the money he owes me e.g. He turned up in another city for a night out and told me at the hotel, and said he didn't realise he had no money in his wallet, so I ended up spending for hotel, drink, food and club. Hes owes me about $400. I agreed for him to pay me $40 a week back to pay it off.
I feel used.
His defence: He will pay me back $40 back when he can afford it, because he owes his mum money too and needs to give her some before he gives it me/he got underpaid that week
7. He has never given me any compliment but only criticism. He's told me one of my eyes is wonky. He's told me my nose is big and I can lose half of it(in public) He's told me I lack awareness. When others give me compliments he underplays it e.g. "You are looking handsome tonight --- they are probably drunk" "Nobody attractive has come onto you"
I feel undermined.
His defence: I am being oversensitive/He is only joking
8. Makes comments that arise suspicion of cheating. 1)He says he would forgive me if I cheated on him instantly, that it would be OK if it was in another city or with not the same guy 2) He says he would like to have threesomes and orgies and I should be OK with it 3) He says I should trust him to got to naked sex clubs without me 4) My friend claims to have seen him have oral sex in a club when I went to a toilet) 5) I saw him do something with somebody in a dark area .
I feel insecure and suspicious
His defence: 1) "Id forgive you because the relationship is more important to me" 2) "That is just my fantasy and I needs to do it while I am still young and if you stop it I may need to consider coming out of the relationship to do it" 3) "As far as I am concerned it is just a club with a bar, and I can go with mates for a drink and I like being naked/ you don't trust me 4) "He was mistaken or lying" 5) "I thought it was you and I stopped as soon as I realised it wasn't you and It is your fault you were suppose to be next to me.
I hope this is not too long and will give a good general overview of the typical experiences in my relationship. I find it very hard to end this relationship because I love him like I have never loved anybody before. But sometimes I feel this is not love but an unhealthy and toxic addiction.