You know..... the gut feelings we get, intuitions, we all over the place with this last yet I ignored them. Why? Not certain. Something was telling me no, don’t go forward, let it go. Again, I ignored them. Perhaps only a professional would only be able to answer what or why that is. I never suffered any real trauma as a child other than alcolic stepfather that would get drunk and have rage fits. That in itself is traumatic for a child, that and no real male figure for leadership or guidamce. Yea..... may be time to start looking for professional help.