My Support Forums - View Single Post - Is my friend's therapist acting as she should? worried here! help!

FallDuskTrain · 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Msilva

My best friend (43 male) has been dumped by his ex 2X in the past (last break up was in 2011), he had a very VERY difficult time to get over her.
About 4 years ago he had a short and very intense relationship with another lady who also dumped him, they tried to remain friends but ended up fighting and breaking up the friendship 2X over the past 3 years. About six months ago my friend re-instated this friendship (for the 3rd time) with this lady and he declared romantic feelings towards her after about 3 months onto the reinstated friendship, she denied any romantic feelings towards him,that she is seeing someone else, but agreed to to remain friends - they are still friends.
He still struggles with this last rejection, is working really hard to just be friend with her but told me that he still have feelings for this lady.
Now, about 4 weeks ago, he got in touch with his first ex (the one he took a hard time to forget), he claims to have feelings for her TOO, says he is "observing" his feelings, says he is not sure if he should try again with his first ex because he is aware that it may not work again BUT wants to try because he also believes that now as they both are more mature it may work, so he wants to see what comes out of it, says that he is aware that he may get hurt again BUT he says that to the very least it may help him to forget this other lady that he claims to still have feelings towards TOO.
So - he claims to have feelings for BOTH, is strugling to understand what is that he is feeling towards both and that he believes he is doing what is the best for him at the moment.
Facts - He has depression since 26 yo, on and off from meds, is currently on meds, seeing a therapist every other week, apart for this two women he hadn't met or felt anything towards anyone else for the past 10+ years.
He says his therapist encouraged him to "explore" his feelings, try again with his first ex! That he asked his therapist's opinion regarding how "unfaithful" or "unfair" his actions towards his first ex is and the therapist do not see anything wrong with that. He says his therapist wants him to get back to "living his life again" even if his action are not of the wisest for him or it may cause him pain again, she encourages him because many of his last years were completely out of the romantic relationship field.
Is it reasonable for a very experienced, renowned psychotherapist act respond like this?
I am not feeling comfortable listening to all of this mess and keeping quiet. Every time I make a comment, give advice, tell him to meet other women, etc - all positive support and advice friends can give - he says that I should support him to explore his feelings, life whatever way.
Now he is getting annoyed with me because I am his best friend but lately he feels I am not supporting him but imposing my way on him and that if I am his best friend I should "watch" him to do whatever he wants with his life and just be there for him. He wants me to stop giving him advices BUT watch and listen to him messing up his life without saying anything!
Its been hard for me to watch a very dear friend doing so little to help himself, what should I do? is there a best way to help him?
Any advice and comment is very welcome. Thank you!

I understand that this is frustrating for you and I understand where you are coming from, however while you do have very valid concerns, you may need to respect your friend's wishes and stop giving advice or your opinion on this subject. Because at this point in his recovery, your friend needs you to be there for him without sharing your opinion. Hopefully soon, your friend will get better in his recovery and you can provide your opinion on his situation and the his therapist's decision/perspective but the time is not now.
In addition, you are hearing only one side of the story. I am NOT saying (at all) that your friend is making things up... not at all; however you are not in the room with him when he meets his therapist and you do not exactly know the conversation they had. May be your friend is interpreting his therapist's advice in a way that fits him? The thing is, per my experience, most people (especially those suffering with MI, including myself) tend to be self centered and demand that we understand their feelings and desires and bow to their sensitivity and troubles; and if this in fact how your friend is behaving, then providing your opinion under these circumstances is a waste of time... Right now, may be (again I am just speculating) he is not in a place where he can handle the realistic perspective and you need to be patient?
In summary, while I empathize and understand your frustration, I would say please do not continue to offer advice, since you were asked to stop. Would you like it if we were to keep on providing our opinion or giving advice when you specifically asked us not to? It would be very arrogant and controlling (and insensitive) of us to resume doing so. Also, it would be a recipe in damaging the friendship.