Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
This sounds like your husband gets "anger and frustration" first and doesn't get to "why" until he vents his anger out in an argument. This is typical of a person who experienced childhood emotional neglect. Men can have a hard time articulating their emotional challenges and what you have described is showing this is how it is with your husband. Your husband really would benefit from therapy that is designed to help him better articulate his emotional needs not only with your but for himself internally as well.
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I absolutely agree. I am trying to consider his emotional composition before I respond to actions, reactions, verbal or nonverbal antics. In the moment, it is challenging.
For example, today, things are back to normal (if this situation can be called normal). We were laughing and joking, then, I said something humorous. He chuckled, but then said, “There can only be one comedian in the house. Leave the jokes to me.” Again, he said the jokingly. However, knowing him as long as I have, I know he was serious. He is an extremely playful person, and sometimes his playfulness can be overbearing. On the other hand, if I say or do one thing funny or clever, he’ll say “Stay in your lane.”
Honestly, I feel like I have to morph into someone else, so he can be the person he is most comfortable being: I have to be serious, so he can be funny; I have to passive, so he can be aggressive or the other way around, depending on the situation. I have made several concessions during our union to keep the peace, and in the back of mind I know he is experiencing some sort of “emotional arrested development” but he still needs to take accountability for his actions.
I have to remember that the source of his anger and pain is not exclusive to me. When he was young his mother, who was married, didn’t let him cut the grass, paint, wash her car because it was never up to her standards. I would assume the message he got from that was “you’re not good enough” “I don’t have confidence in your ability” or “I don’t trust you.” Meanwhile, his father was a workaholic who was extremely quiet and didn’t interact with the family much, which sent the same type of message.
So, I feel when I as his wife offer suggestions or criticisms, he recalls his childhood anger at his mother and if I don’t engage because I maybe legitimately busy, I’m being dismissive like his dad. Tough spot...
There’s a quote I love that says “ we scream our insecurities and whisper our apologies” I’m paraphrasing it a bit, but this is so accurate as it applies to me and my husband.