My Support Forums - View Single Post - Can't figure out what's the truth or lies

s4ndm4n2006 · Apr 13, 2018 at 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Momofmmsa

I don’t feel like a survivor because it’s still fresh but I am alive. My husband is in jail, he is on state parole so I didn’t even have to do anything except make the call to get him taken away. My problem is that I still love him. I saw him today for the first time in 18 days. It was a good visit, I didn’t cry. I’m not experienced with this jail crap and the mail rules. He has asked for some medical papers and pictures and artwork from the girls. (The girls are not his biologically but in this last year and 8 months, he had been the closest thing to a father that they have had in their short 7 and 8 year lives.) I apparently used the wrong type of envelope and picture size and artwork was on construction paper and in crayon, what else is expected from 7 and 8 year olds. I didn’t know the rules of mail, from what I found online everything I did was acceptable. Pictures have to be no bigger than 4x6, no one told me. So the things sent in the mail with the artwork are going to be returned to me. So, about 2 hours or less after the visit he calls and tells me how stupid I am that I can’t follow simple directions, totally ruined the better feeling I was having. As of now, I’ve only been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety, that’s been many years now. Reading on this site, I think I need to speak to my doctor about other things, for one PTSD from this incident, borderline personality disorder, and childhood emotional neglect. I know tomorrow, he’s going to call and tell me he misses me and loves me, and I’m going to believe it. I think he has an antisocial personality disorder but maybe he just doesn’t have a heart. He will not ever be allowed by law to live in the home we had together until he is off of state parole. That was going to be in 2021. There hasn’t been a hearing yet, the first 2 were continued and now it’s set for April 20. I’ve always had trust issues and I trusted him and revealed things to him that I didn’t share with anyone, he now uses those things against me. The verbal abuse has been going on for months. I grew up with that so after a while, it doesn’t hurt as much. The physical, that just started in the last month or two. His parole officer said that if by some chance he beats these charges, he will be released to a Community Corrections Center (kind of like a halfway house) and have mandatory counseling. Is there any hope of an abuser changing? Or did I just throw away the last almost 2 years of mine and my girls’ lives?

Something that concerns me about your post is the how in one statement you bring up the idea that he's the closest thing they've had to a father. First off. if the closest thing to a father is an abusive male like him, that in no way makes it ok to consider this person a father figure. The closest thing is never good enough really. It has to be someone that deserves the title of father, period and that is in lieu of a better example or not. Second part of this that bothers me is that to me it implies an attempt to sort of "make human" of your abuser. yes he is human but do you think in all the time he was abusing you that he ever considered you that way? No. It also shows that you need to be free of his influence for a good long time to find yourself and evaluate so you know you won't get in the abusive situation again with anyone, including him.

You are not obligated to send him anything and I think the interaction with him needs to be 100% cut off. you need to get past this abuse and relationship and move on but it won't happen until you cut everything off. Nows your chance to be free

Here's the kicker. He's in jail. The ultimate punishment excepting death itself. He is still abusing you. What does this tell you about him? He's still going to abuse you verbally when this jail sentence at the very least ought to be making him reassess his own behavior but it's not. You hve your answer whether he's going to change or not. there is no remorse here and no guilt.

I don't care what personality disorder, mi, upbringing, handicap or disability this person has. He has no right to abuse and hes paying for it. Wash your hands of this man and move on, both for your good and your children's.