You have posed some very good questions. There are no quick or easy answers. These are the kind of questions that many who are diagnosed with biploar grapple with. “Who is the real me?” It is tempting to wish that the real you is the one you are when in a euphoric state. Euphoria is enjoyable. It’s the aftermath and the come down that’s hard.

You are still young and your personality is still forming. Many people spend years chasing the highs of mania. In the end it boils down to how well you function and can you live an independent life. You are most likely going to need some Meds to help keep you stable enough to that. Especially if you have gotten so manic that you need to be hospitalized.

You have a difficult journey ahead of you. I hope you find some support here at psych central

PS: it’s intersting that you mentioned going up on the roof to feel the wind and the rain. When I’m feeling a bit manic I always want to go up on the roof. What is it about roofs I wonder. I compromise with myself and go out in the back yard to feel the wind and the rain. At my age (62) a fall from the roof could cause me some serious damage.