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NewSmoke15
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Member Since: Jan 2017
Posts: 40
5 yr Member
Default Apr 16, 2018 at 10:39 PM
 
Hey guys, so for a while I thought I had autoandrophilia (a female who fantasizes about having a penis) until more recently believing myself to be trans. I'm not sure though.

I want a penis for sure. No doubt about that in my mind. But when it comes to other aspects of being trans, I don't feel as strongly.
I don't want to wear a binder, (I have small breasts anyway, so they don't interfere much.) but I don't care to have breasts either. Having a masculine chest does appeal to me though.

I don't necessarily desire to be called male pronouns, but I wouldn't mind it either. Recently I went to visit some elderly extended family members and saw some I hadn't yet met. (I recently got my hair cut to be like a male fauxhawk.) and they called me a boy. I only felt uncomfortable cause my family was there.

Surgery is terrifying to me. The thought if having people cut into my flesh and tear things out and move them around freaks me out. The thought of having to recover for months is scary. I've watched a few videos on youtube about trans guys talking about surgery. One guy had massive scars on his left arm. Which is scary.

I know that I can't live my life like this. I LITERALLY cannot have sex without having a penis. (I mean physically I can, but you know what I mean.) It makes me furious that most people are born and don't have this problem. They wanna have sex? All they gotta do is find someone who will let them fit their genitals into the other person's. They wanna masturbate and orgasm? They just have to do it.

I can't. I have to go through surgeries and pain and recovery and fear and hormones and taking time off of work and all this ****. Just to experience what 99% of people just get to wake up and feel I ****ing hate it.

On another note, since I only really desire to have a masculine body, but don't necessarily want to "be a man", does that mean I am non-binary? Calling myself a woman or a man both feel wrong. But I want a penis and masculine body. Is this just me very slowly coming to terms and not fully being there yet? Or is it being non-binary?
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