I can't relate if you call it 'impulse control', but if you call it 'mental energy' or 'willpower', then I think I can. I think because I don't consider myself impulsive; maybe that's the sticking point, idk? But in terms of mental energy or whatever to do what needs to be done, I definitely feel like there's less to start with, and that everyday tasks take up way more of it than it used to. So I have to force myself to do things that never used to require a second thought. And socialising with people, even when I'm having a really good time, wipes me out way worse than it ever used to (though I have always been an introvert, just way more so now). Not everything that needs to get done, does get done, but I get by. But in terms of doing things impulsively, no, not at all.

I can't speak to hunger and food though. Pre-meds, I had a perfectly normal appetite. I never worried about weight: I ate what I liked, and I stopped when I was full. The only exception was a special occasion, like a birthday, where I'd squeeze in dessert, even if I was full, but then always felt so uncomfortable afterwards. But I never really fought against my hunger because I never had to: I never had the desire to overeat. Actually, when I was 8yo, I severely restricted my food intake for a few months, so I guess that I fought against hunger then, but I don't remember that it was hard.

Being on mirtazapine, quetiapine, and olanzapine were totally different experiences though. Honestly, the hunger never let up. It wasn't a 'normal' appetite at all! I tried fighting against it, and it was so ridiculously hard, and it felt futile to resist, because even resisting, I was still gaining weight, though maybe not as much. I felt totally out of control with it, and my pdoc at the time telling me to "eat less and do more" when I was sleeping 18 hours a day and eating anything not nailed to the floor...well, I wanted to punch her in her stupid face! She clearly had no understanding of how intensely my brain would scream at me for food. I don't see that as impulsive so much though...maybe others would, idk? But it feels so completely alien to my previous experiences of hunger and controlling food intake that it's hard to compare.

Yeah, much as I'd love the cognitive boost, I wouldn't take it either.

Honestly, values change over time in everyone, but especially after what you went through. It's only natural, IMO. Eleven years ago, I was a complete workaholic. I lived to work. My career as a Dr was the most important thing, and I didn't do much else outside of it, except the extracurricular stuff needed to get ahead in medicine (and very occasionally I had a social life). Now, I wouldn't be that career-focused if you put a gun to my head! I've discovered the value of living in the moment, and appreciating the little things in life. So my values in that regards have very much changed, even though I'd still like to go back to medicine in an ideal world. I'd do it very differently this time around though.

My ability to study has tanked. Recall is really bad. I learn something, like a new word, and the next time I come across it, a few lines further down, I have to look it up again because I've forgotten it. I even forget the meaning of words that I know. As soon as I've read something, it's gone again. Even replying to posts here can be hard because I've forgotten so much of what I used to know, it's hard to learn anything new, and it's hard to form a coherent argument. Repetition was the only thing that helps a little, but it's still not an efficient way to learn given how much effort it costs.

Reading is really difficult too, and I used to read voraciously. It seems to make more sense if I hear it at the same time as I read it (I used to have text to speech software, which really helped, but it stopped working.) Listening to audio books doesn't help as my mind wanders, and straight reading doesn't work either. But the two together at the same time is a bit easier, but still not what it was. I also found watching videos better than reading if I could get around it, which I know is something you're trying now with some success.

The meds really messed with my ability to think. Everything felt like wading through sludge, especially on the more sedating ones. But even off meds for ages, it's not miraculously clear at all. It has gradually gotten worse over the last 11 years and I don't know why. My thinking just isn't what it was, and it really sucks that that's the way it is. I'd give anything to go back to how I used to be cognitively, but I have to accept that this is the way it is. I mean, I get by and most people can't tell, which in some respects, is good because I don't want people thinking that I'm stupid. But in other respects, it feels quite invalidating because it feels like people are basically calling you a liar because they can't tell you're having issues. But then I get that with most things, so I should be better at ignoring it!

Anyway, I don't really have any answers, I'm sorry. I really wish that I did, for both of us. All I can offer is some empathy and a

*Willow*