My Support Forums - View Single Post

Findingreason · May 07, 2018 at 04:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Sorry, it's taken a while to reply; combination of being physically unwell and busy.

I'm glad to see elsewhere that travelling to see your friends is helping you feel better. Honestly, I think that your BPD has been triggered big time recently: you've posted a lot about not feeling safe/belonging here, and about frequently asking your wife and partner if they are mad at you etc. I'm wondering if it might have something to do with your difficulty studying/sitting your exams triggering this feeling that you're not good enough; for your wife & partner, for us, you're not 'sick enough' to post here etc etc. But idk, that's just a guess.

Is there anything that you, or people IRL, can think of that has happened recently to trigger all of this?

No need to apologise! I figured something was going on. I hope you feel better soon.

Hmm, I could look into this a bit more. I know that worrying my wife and partner are mad at me and continually asking that could be related to OCD. I was diagnosed with it many years ago and did a lot of treatment for it. I feel the thoughts are rather quite intrusive, and ones that I must act on by asking, else they won't go away. It happened with my partner and I in 2012, around the time I received treatment for said condition. I need to get ahold of the book Brain Lock again and re-read the skills it taught and practice them.

That being said, I agree the other symptoms are very much BPD ending up back in. I guess this is something in upcoming therapy I can identify what is what and progress in trying to get back on track.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Re: splitting - it seems to me from my interpretation of your posts that your feelings about me have gone from effusive appreciation of my posts just a couple of months ago, to feeling that I'm out to get you. That's a big dichotomy, which is why I mentioned splitting. In actuality, I am neither that amazing, nor that bad: I'm just a regular person with good and bad points, like everyone else.

Hmm, that is a good point. I looked at you from two extremes...Though even whilst I was on the extreme that you were after me, I still saw you as very intellectual and insightful. I just thought it was being used against me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Re: benzos increasing psychosis - Benzos, as a class, can both cause psychosis, and cause a dissociative state that people mistake as psychosis. Benzos can also improve the symptoms of psychosis. Them causing psychosis isn't that common, and it's called a paradoxical reaction because it's opposite to the intention - all sorts of drugs can cause paradoxical reactions: antipsychotics can CAUSE psychosis, and not just on withdrawal, for example, but they're usually rare effects.

It can also depend on the individual drug. For example, I can take diazepam and it it is helpful to me (but tolerance is a massive problem, and addiction is a big fear, so I avoid it like the plague), but the first time that I took lorazepam in hospital, it caused visual hallucinations and kept me awake. Normally, they give you lorazepam to make you calm down and fall asleep! The nurses didn't believe that lorazepam could cause either of those effects, and they kept telling me that it was just me being 'mental', but luckily the pdoc believed me (and told the nurses that these effects are possible!) and she changed it to diazepam, which doesn't have that effect on me.

Also, benzos are very similar to Z-drugs (zopiclone and zolpidem), and zolpidem in particular is often abused by people wanting to hallucinate. They call it 'chasing the walrus', apparently.

The first, and only, time that I took it, it made me have scary visual hallucinations, and didn't even make me sleep. It happens more commonly with them than with benzos, but it shows that the potential for psychosis is there with benzos as they're structurally very similar and act in similar ways.

Then there's the problem of them causing dissociative experiences that people mistake for psychosis, which can happen with anything that sedates. As Didgee said, it puts you in a near-sleep/dreaming state, where it is common to have hypnopompic/hypnagogic hallucinations, and feeling unreal/'out of touch with reality'. We get lots of people post here with dissociative experiences (usually because of anxiety, rather than benzo use though) that they are terrified are signs of psychosis/sz, because they can feel kind of similar.

The other issue with benzos is that they lower inhibitions so there is an increased risk of impulsivity, SH and suicidality. They can also cause blackouts during these times too, so people come too and find that they have done some really dangerous things to themselves without conscious intent. It also can affect memories being stored: I was prescribed benzos one time, years ago, around exam revision and was warned that I might find it harder to revise and remember the info with benzos in my system.

Anyway, all that to say that these are recognised possibilities with these types of drugs, as Didgee said, but, as ever, individual milage varies.

I will put it in my bullet journal when I take Diazepam for anxiety to figure if there is a correlation between taking the medication as needed and symptoms that arise from it. Such as those you mentioned (hallucinations, impulsivity, suicidal or SH behaviours). It is worth noting I don't take it often; a package of 30 pills can last me for 3-4 months or more. It doesn't sedate me either. I don't need it often these days, as my anxiety is under much better control lately. Or I can find ways to cope with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Re: 2 APs - I know that it's a lot more common in the US, and other places, than it is in the UK to prescribe 2 APs. Polypharmacy is kind of frowned upon here, even though there is sometimes a need for it (though I am still horrified by some of the polypharmacy that I see across PC that really feels way OTT to me). It causes a lot of issues with side effects and not knowing which drug is helping/causing a side effect. If it's done, you should only increase one at a time to try to figure out if it's helping/worsening side effects, but I frequently see people who've gone into hospital on, say, 5 drugs, which all get stopped cold turkey, and then they're released on 4 different drugs a few days later!

Their neutrons must not know which way is up!!! How is the patient or outpatient pdoc supposed to know what is withdrawal effects from what drug, starting side effects from which new drug, and which ones might be helping, and what's the underlying illness situation!?? It's baffling!

Anyway, the current recommendations (in the UK, at any rate) is that two APs just increase side effects that aren't worth the minimal/no additional benefits of the additional AP. The ONLY exception is that the addition of aripiprazole MAY improve negative symptoms that might be worth the additional side effects, but it's still kind of iffy because negative (& cognitive) symptoms are the hardest to treat and don't really respond much, if at all. And that high doses may be needed at first, but should then be reduced to lower maintenance doses when stable.

I do want to add though that I don't personally think that you are currently in a place to drastically mess with your APs. I'd recommend taking whatever therapy you can get to work on your emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills, and then, when stable, start lowering/coming off meds until you're at the right pros:cons level. That would give you the best chance of being able to successfully able to lower the dose/number of meds, and stay on that lower amount. But, obviously, that's a discussion you need to have with your pdoc.

All the best

*Willow*

Thankfully the hospitals I've been to have never drastically changed my meds as you were talking about.

I was always baffled and dumbstruck by that too. Its actually very irresponsible of said health care providers if you ask me.

The one good thing that came out of adding Abilify was that it improved my ability to stay away. Less sedation. I am grateful for that. I can stay up 12-14 hours normally, and if required, 16. Much better than in the past.

As much as I want to come off of one of them (Zyprexa in particular), you are probably right that waiting till I am more stable is probably for the best.

I really hope therapy helps me out here. I've been without counseling since March. Wow. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble since the hospitalisation; no mental health support from professionals to differentiate and work through things. I begin with a new p-nurse later this month after I get back home. Perhaps there we can begin really identifying what is what, rather than playing guess work. It's very good for my mind to talk to people here and just get things out. But I do wonder how much of it is bad that I don't know which way is up or down in terms of my symptoms. Two pdocs in a row said I am still needing to be in treatment and that I need the APs. I guess I have to trust their judgment. I meet a third pdoc later this month. Hopefully I will be able to stick with him for a while. Its all confusing as hell, not knowing what is what right now. I don't always know what or who to trust.

Thank you for taking time to talk things out with me.