I am resorting to this forum because I don't have the means to get the help I need. I need to surround myself with people who can understand the struggle I face on a daily basis. Two years ago I made a decision that would significantly change my life. I left my long time boyfriend of 8 years 40 days after I married him. I'm still trying to understand this decision now 2 years later. The events that led up to it, and the state of mind that ultimately brought my life to pieces. As I'm getting older I am beginning to see patterns in my behavior that lead to believe I have an apparent personality disorder. I've mentioned this idea to family members who have brushed it off as I'm just being paranoid. Mental health is a serious thing, it's so frustrating to feel like the people you love who think they understand and they dont have a clue.

I grew up in a household with 2 parents who should have been divorced the day they were married. I don't remember much of my childhood before the age of 9. My dad was always drinking, and never wanted to spend time with me and my mom as a family. This caused my mom to be very angry that he never wanted to spend time with his family and fighting became a daily routine. I grew up dealing with my emotional issues by throwing mega temper tantrums, experiencing uncontrollable anger, causing myself harm, hitting my head against the wall, pulling my hair, and throwing myself against the floor. Most of the memories I carry from my childhood are outside playing with the neighbor kids. It It wasn't enough I didn't have a good home life, I was tortured at school. I acted out in front of my class mates, displayed static behavior, argued with teacher's, and created scenes. In 4th grade a threw a chair at a class mate for making fun of me, and put my hands around my best friends neck after sge turned my friends against me and humiliated me, choking her after she repeatedly told me to hit her. " come on hit me, come on hit me, come on hit me, like a Broken record. I subconsciously snapped at the age of 10. A teacher was it and was able to stop me before I did any real harm.

2 years earlier.

It was Christmas morning. I was 8 years old and wanted a Barbie dream house more than anything in the world. I walked into the living room very early in the morning to find my Barbie dream house leaned up against the closet with a letter from Santa. I have discovered i have the ability to put myself back into moments where I feel and see my surroundings and emotions. Upon discovering my Barbie dream house, this darkness fell over me. This voice told me I did not deserve this and was not worthy. The heavy feeling was so overwhelming of shame I began to sob. This dark cloud has revisited me many times and I know when it has arrived. It comes out of no where and brings a voice who tells me I'm not worthy of The things I should be grateful for.

The same year my mom left my dad after finding out he was cheating on her with another woman. My mom moved us out, and two months later my dad broke the news to me that his new girlfriend and her daughter who was in my grade from another school would be moving into our home. This home was the home i was brought to the day I was born. Amanda was her name. She moved in, enrolled in my school and took my room. She told me it was no longer mine. She told me I was a loser, that my clothes were ugly and that I needed a makeover at the age of 11. She threw me up against the wall choking me, called me names including stupid skinny *****, upon many others and created me like dirt. She had an older sister , Samantha who lived with their father. She didn't like me the moment she met me and often referred to me as a little ****ing *****. She never gave me a chance. From age 11-17 i felt with abuse from the both of them. Amanda would do things like steal pills from the cupboard, or break the flower box outside our bedroom window sneaking boys in and would blame it on me. My dad belueved everything out of her mouth. I was made out to be the bad one. I didn't feel safe at my dads, and I didn't get along with my mom at all.

In high school I had friends, but the torture from my fellow classmates never stopped. I was bullied from the time I was in kindergarten until the the day I graduated high school. I often felt extreme emotion and lived in my room. I dabbled with drugs and alcohol at a young age, and other reckless behaviors. I felt extreme emotion often due to the fact i felt I had no safe haven. My grandma would take me in, let me stay with her when I felt I had no where else to go.

When I was 20, I started dating my high school crush. He was 2 years my senior, and I was very good friends with his 2 younger brothers. We started dating and it became serious quickly. We were meant for each other. His mom was murdered when he was 16, from the result of that led him down a dark path of heroin addiction. He had finally been clean for a year when we began dating. He was from a rough last and didn't bring judgement to me or my screwed up family. Over the years, I found myself constantly telling myself I was going to lose him, that I needed to make him fall in love with me. He did not show affection, and that lack of affection made me feel very unloved. I kept ignoring it was something I needed and continued with the plan to spend my life with him. Upon feeling this way, I would become very clingy to the fear of losing him. He would get mad at me and tell me I'm too clingy, that I need a hobby. There was no cuddling ever in our relationship. Sex was always planned, and he seemed to always put everyone else first before spending time with me. Because of our connection i still believed he was the man of my dreams, ignoring my own needs. I have always had spending problems and did not care that I was digging myself into a financial hole . He was the same way, and would make often make big purchases on a whim with the last of his funds and ask me to cover his rent after purchasing a $500 gun i told him not to buy. We both continued to live on student loans and credit cards, Over spending beyond our means. My shopping addiction became more and more reckless. Over the years I became crazy. My anxiety began to take over my life. I couldn't hold a job because I was missing so much work from not sleeping at night and being so unfunctionable without sleep I could not mentally handle working consistently. We started to grow apart and my mental issues worsened.

Six years into our relationship . He asked me to marry him. I said yes and we began two years of planning the perfect wedding. We ultimately planned a wedding we couldn't afford. As the date grew closer i started to change. I had snapped. I was in a bar one night with a friend and met this guy that I was physically uncontrollably attracted to. I fought the urges and didn't have contact with him. Until I saw him again 5 months later. I was grabbing a drink, when he came up behind me, whirled me around into his arms and put his face an inch from mine, and looked me in the eyes. I hadn't felt that excitement in so long. This was the night that ultimately broke me. I became obsessed with the idea of sleeping with him. I was ok with being seen as just an object. I had started dressing provocatively and became a different person. Someone I didn't know. Despite these feelings for someone else I didn't feel I could leave because I couldn't hurt my fiance. He had been through enough that I couldn't hurt him. We stopped having sex, I started drinking a lot and making out with guys in bars. I was absolutely reckless. I ha sI am resorting to this forum because I don't have the means to get the help I need. I need to surround myself with people who can understand the struggle I face on a daily basis. Two years ago I made a decision that would significantly change my life. I left my long time boyfriend of 8 years 40 days after I married him. I'm still trying to understand this decision now 2 years later. The events that led up to it, and the state of mind that ultimately brought my life to pieces. As I'm getting older I am beginning to see patterns in my behavior that lead to believe I have an apparent personality disorder. I've mentioned this idea to family members who have brushed it off as I'm just being paranoid. Mental health is a serious thing, it's so frustrating to feel like the people you love who think they understand and they dont have a clue.

Fast forward to today. I've held a job for the last year. I miss work about once a month. I wake up in the morning not mentally prepared to deal with anything. I'm over emotional and have very low lows, and very high highs. My emotions are very strong and control me. I feel great shame and regret towards how I left my last relationship. I often feel very outside of my body, like I can step outside of myself and watch my life like it's a movie. I remember dates very well that are significant in my life, and have realized I have the ability to vividly put myself back into a memory. I'm very forgetful, and tend to put things where I can't find them and have no recollection of doing so. I have horrible mood swings and get anxiety from almost everything. I often same up in the middle of the night to look in the darkness for fear someone is standing over me. I'm even paranoid at times my boyfriend has a knife and is coming for me. I get nervous if anyone has a knife in a room and hold my breath afraid they are going to turn on me. All of these things are ruining my life. I have developed fibromyalgia over the years due to extreme stress. I often go from feeling very good about myself to very bad extremely quickly. I throughout thinking and fly off the handle quickly. I have anger issues and often feel suicidal. i take things to heart and become extremd!t emotional very easily. I read into things too much and makes mountains out of mold hills. As I'm getting older, the patterns are becoming apparent. I know I have to have a personality disorder. I feel like my life is in repeat and go through the same patterns daily. i can see areas of my life where I've completely become a different person for a certain period of time. i start things and don't finish them, and become very indulged a d obsessed with new ideas. these are the things I start and never finish. I experience extreme irritatiin, anxiety and panic attacks over the smallest things. Things that don't matter.

I have made small daily changes to try to control my pain and symptoms. I'm laying if r the thousands upon thousands of dollars of debt i manGer to rack up from a wedding I shouldn't hAve sent through with and last shopping sprees. I work constantly and get feel like I can't catch up. I stack and stack bills and things I don't want to deal with because I can't mentally handle them until I build up so much I become overwhelmed when tackling it and ultimately have a nervous breakdown.

Anyone who has taken the time to read this, I apologize if was so long. Any advice or relation would be helpful. I cannot afford to see a therapist at this time and just need someone to understand. To know I'm not alone.