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SeekerSeeking
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Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: Booniest Part of America...
Posts: 115
10 yr Member
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Heart May 29, 2018 at 10:35 PM
 
Hi *Laurie*

I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and discarded. But in reality, we (you) don’t know what is happening in her thoughts—so it may just be that she’s really pressured at this bigger school (where’s she’s now a little fish) and is stressed…

Which would you rather it be? Because all the time at the bigger university has ‘gone to her head’ and she’s letting you go==========OR========because she is really really busy and stressed?

Since you cannot sit in her brain and actually hear her thoughts—why not chose the ‘she’s just busy’ reason. As long as we are making up reasons (cause again we cannot read her thoughts) let’s make up reasons that make us feel good.

Also, you probably need to dial back the calling every morning. It’s not working, right? Then quit. Don’t quit it poutingly, but quit it to give her space, time, and distance because she’s really really busy. Call once a week, maybe at an agreed time. Then she might be happy to talk to you. And you’ll be happier when that happens.

It’s another stage in life for both of you---so just as she’s filling her new life with school, research, papers, and new friends. You do the same. Make a NEW happy morning routine for yourself. Have a morning coffee meet with friends. Volunteer at a nursing home and make some lonely lady happy at breakfast. Soon you’ll have all kinds of new wonderful things to talk to your daughter about….

Also, this is in no way clinical evidence—but two of my good friends who had only daughters—both had their daughters, in their words, turn against them. They had been very good friends until after high-school. Then both daughters began criticizing, arguing, and complaining. Nothing they said or good was good enough or could fix it.

One mom kept hanging on, calling, (she too started criticizing) and she and her daughter while okay now—are not close.
The other mom, realized that her daughter was acting like a teenager citing her independence (even though she was 26). She then decided not to take what was happening personally; she did not think her daughter was out to hurt or injure her. She stepped back—and only called occasionally. For eight months she got very clipped quick replies. But wonder of wonder, in the ninth month her daughter called her and just started talking as she always had. My friend was thrilled.

After reading your post, I called and asked her what she’d tell you. She said she’d tell you to let your daughter go for now—that she’ll come back. She said one thing she learned during the time of few phone calls was that she had always had a comment on whatever her daughter was telling her she had done or what she thought. She said since then—she waits until her opinion is asked for (like she does with me her BFF) and it’s made all the difference. She thinks the closer a mom and daughter is==the harder she has to make her stake for independence.

Just thoughts==hope they help and hope you heal.
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