Hello robijm: I believe this is your introductory post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!
I'm sorry you have experienced so much pain in your life.
Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.
One thing I will just mention, since you wrote that your reason for coming here is to surround yourself with people who understand, is that things move pretty quickly here on PC. It can take a bit of time to become known. But if you continue posting your own threads, & reply to lots of other members' posts, soon you will find yourself becoming an important part of the community. There's a lot of support that can be available here. You may want to check out the live chats too. Here's a link to the Community Calendar:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/calendar.php
I'm an old man now.
And I don't post my own threads here on PC often. But I will tell you that, as I read through your post, I saw a lot of my young life in what you wrote.
I also don't have a diagnosis although I've been kicking around the mental health system where I live for the past 20 years or so. (I think as one gets older, mental health professionals just presume it's no longer worth the bother.)
I once read the book
Lost in the Mirror which is about Borderline Personality Disorder. And, based on what I read, I thought it was possible I might have been diagnosable as having had it when I was young. (I've been told BPD tends to burn itself out as a person ages.)
I know you wrote you can't afford to see a therapist at this time. I wondered if you have checked to see if there are any free or income-adjusted mental health services where you live. The other thing I wondered about, since it sounds like you're struggling under a mountain of debt, is if you have looked into any financial counseling services that might be available. I believe, where I live, these kinds of services are available to low income persons who are struggling financially. You mentioned you've made small daily changes to try to control your pain & symptoms. Those efforts are to be celebrated!
Here are links to a couple of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of finding a therapist when money is a problem. I don't know if anything in them will be of any help. But perhaps there'll be a suggestion or two you can pursue:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/finding...psychotherapy/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-t...fford-therapy/
Another thought is... I don't know if you're familiar with family therapist Kati Morton who uploads mental-health-related videos onto her YouTube channel. But watching Kati's videos, as well as her live programs, might help you to better understand what's going on with you as well as to come up with some additional self-help ideas. Here's a link to Kati's Youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzB...zlkRdDOSobbpvw
And, lastly, here's a link to a listing of the mental-health-related tests & quizzes that are available here on PC:
https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/
My very best wishes to you...
