Ok this is going to be long. But it has been building up all week.

Earlier this week I started watching a tv show called "diet land". Basically the main character is about 300 lbs and is trying to get weight loss surgery. Over the course of the story I am sure she is going to decide to stop dieting and eat what she wants. Most of the first episode was filled with zingers that... anyone who is fat knows is true.

Such as, the main character feels that people wish her dead rather than look at her fat. Such as, the main character says that she has a hard time getting a job because of her fat. (and I would extend that to have a hard time not being bullied by a boss when you are fat) These things were said and my gut was like "omg -- they said it... so it is true" because that is the sensation I get too. The main character has tried EVERY SINGLE DIET PLAN... and none have worked.

This was too on the nose. I am not 300 lbs I am only 190ish. But my entire life I have been on a diet. It is a way of life. I am sometimes shocked to see a journal from my 20s or something and seen that I was on a diet. I have tried everything, diet pills, liquid diets, weight watchers, you name it. And I had this thought... is it time to end it?

The only thing that keeps me from doing so is that around 190 and up I tend to get very bad health results. Knee pain and sleep apnea. But also I know that when I get up past 190 it is because I am binging. I am binging because I know I will have to stop eating what I want and go on a diet soon. And I am trying to get it all in. I suspect that it is this BINGING that causes the health issues not my weight.

Also though, I know that my health can take a hit at my age -- over 40 and with excess fat. I know so many people who have died of uterine cancer who were over weight.

But the truth is I know in my heart I am simply unable to lose weight any longer. Perhaps from years of dieting but the fact is that I have a low metabolism. This, combined with working, makes it straight up impossible to lose weight and not gain it back. I leave my house at 7 AM every day and return at 7 PM --IF public transportation is on time. There is just not condusive to eating a good diet and not eating out. Eating out is fine for people that have strong metabolisms but if you don't... and you have just ONE large overcaloried meal --- you will not lose for days. And don't even speak to me about exercise.

For me, I have to do a lot of exercise to lose weight. We are talking hours. When I was a kid I was thin because I skated every afternoon after school. I spent about 4 hours at the rink even if I didn't skate the entire time. Now there is simply not enough time to exercise even an hour on a consistent basis.

So I know in my heart I am just not really going to be able to lose weight until I am retired or no longer working where I am ... about 10 years away. I am just so confused and torn... this is the time in my life where being overweight can really make a health difference and I am just too mentally exhausted to go on one more diet. And indeed I don't think there is an option really to lose weight -- things go so slow that it can take months to lose 7 lbs and then gain that back in a few meals.

Anyone have any thoughts / books etc?