I’ll try to keep this as short as possible
-I am an ex Muslim (saying this isn’t easy)
-I didn’t leave Islam in one day, it was a two year process of self argument and it wasn’t fun
-I left because of an profile on instagram.
-I was one of those “Islamic worriers of the internet” my whole life was dedicated to serve Islam. I had plans to become an “influential Muslim” in the future, and that plan was what gave me my indentity and sense of “self” and “purpose”
-Because of me being a “warrior” I had to face that Instagram profile and “prove him wrong” as I always do (I’ve been arguing with people on the internet and defending my beliefs for 4 years maybe) but as I did try to face that profile I realized that I couldn’t give counter arguments, I felt weak and wrong which made me really mad and with time I started to hate that profile a lot. I also became obsessed with it, I felt as if a had to know what he was posting so that I could research and prove him wrong, but every time I did, I end up failing or learning something about my religion that I really didn’t wanted to know. With time I started having doubts, I think I reached to a point where I can’t go on with my life without knowing what he posted and when I do take a peak at what he posts I start to shake and shiver, this was the most stressful time in my life, my grades plummeted and I felt really depressed. That’s all I remember, that part of my life is really foggy and all I have is fragmented memories
-with time I became far from my religion
-sometimes I try to reconnect, I start crying then I let go
-with time I believe i devoleped OCD, I started over thinking and had two relationships where I started to overthink and doubt my own emotions
-with time I started to get confused by my emotions, as if I don’t understand
-I always doubt my feelings, when I get mad it’s like I hear a voice in my head saying “are you really mad or are you faking it” same thing goes with every emotions…mostly love
-with time I started to feel as if I left “my self” in the past, now I don’t know who I am or what I want to be
-sometimes I feel really depressed, sometimes I feel energized out of no where and sometimes I feel blank
-sometimes I tell myself that I’ll be able to fix myself and be happy, the next day I’ll tell myself I don’t want to be happy
-I can’t stand anything “Islam” related, I get mad, angry and feel stressed when I hear anything Islamic related.
-life was very simple before all this happened, I had a goal, a purpose and a feeling of self. Love was simple and easy, life was good. But now I feel empty, hopeless, depressed and confused. I can’t even love without doubting my own emotions, saying “ I love you” has become very hard for me because I’m afraid Im lying and end up hurting the person I’m with...
Is this happening to me because of PTSD caused by the stress I had when I was facing that “profile” and trying hard to grasp on my beliefs?