Dang, that's heavy stuff. I can relate in some ways. I guess I'm on a similar road. I know what it feels like when all courses of action seem ridiculous. It's so unreal. I was also messed up a lot by being used by a mental health provider and since then have found it hard to reach out socially. Anyway I don't know what to say, (it's not personal... I often don't,) but just wanted to say I read it and hope you can figure something out. Just wanted to give some idk, thought energy and positive wishes.