Having this disorder is exhausting. There is some duality in this. I want to be alone, but I want to have friends. I am indifferent towards other people, but I suffer when I feel someone hates me.
And there are those times I need friends but I don't have them because I ran away. And this emptiness? Don't tell me about it! It feels like multiple layers between me and my true feelings.
I am there, but I am not feeling it. If I completly lose myself I am capable of doing almost anything but it will be like it never happened. And I won't understand if I did it because I wanted or simply because I tricked myself into thinking that was what I wanted.