Hey, thanks for the reply. (And living up to my name, I wrote a page and a half...) That event was two years back when I was working, currently unemployed. I figured at my wage of 17/hour, which after taxes was approx $500 on a normal week, I would have actually made/loss the same if i was working and not going there. Technically, the math is closer to 8 weeks worth of salary towards that one hospital stay.


Really, other than sleeping, I've been on my computer most of the day. Thankfully, SGDQ is on this week, so I've had something to watch. Otherwise, since I'm also living with my parents, and my mother's health is deteriorating, getting out of the house is annoying, as I always get the nagged about something. And sadly, or whatever depending on how you look at it, I have a very efficient and effective "All-Room." More on that later.


And yeah, I probably will discharge my energy here more often. Part of me never likes to make other people 'carry my burdens' so to speak, so I don't speak up often when I'm feeling terrible. Doesn't help that growing up, when I was feeling bad, people thought I was just faking feeling sick to get out of school, or in psychiatric terms: my feelings were never validated.


This was especially true when I was maybe 7 and my grandfather died. I was crying a lot, so naturally, people wanted to calm me down. But, instead of people being with me, it was "Here, watch this movie (Jungle Book) and calm down, ok?"

So yeah, instead of being around people when you're sad, I distract myself from the feelings until they go away... Which they never really do, wrapping back to my "All-Room." A high end computer, a good bed, and a decent internet connection. Most of the reason people pushed me into electrical/computer engineering tech, or ECET was because I was on the computer all the time and became good by proxy.


I thankfully don't drink or smoke, but I still hide out in my room... Which still has similar problems to those addictions. It's nothing new to me as when I was growing up, I always wanted to get away from conflict or people in general. Like a cat, too much noise and I just want to run and hide.


And yeah, I also understand that being on the computer all the time is a symptom of the problem, and not the root cause, though it does circle back to the roots. So, I hide out because I'm lonely and miserable. Games, movies, porn, doesn't matter as it's all part of the same symptom, which still makes the root cause worse.


The kicker lately is that I haven't found ANY event outside of the house that even remotely interests me. The main problem is I live in the middle of no where: there's at least an 30-45 minute drive to anywhere remotely interesting. 2 hours to the nearest city. I barely drink, not even one a month, so bars are out of the question. Meetup.com might as well be a 404 page around this area. lol. Well no, that's too harsh; but the clubs I've tried in the past were... meh at best. Like one introvert trying to talk to another, those meetups usually happened quick, felt awkward, and everyone forgot who attended. And meetups were usually scattered around anyways.


That's also another problem of mine. I don't stick to one place, probably because I'm looking for distractions with no clue on how to solve this problem, even if I can be solved. But really, I'm a generic human: if I don't see results quickly, I try something else, even when I should just stick with one thing. It's difficult for me to see if something will bare fruit or not, so I rarely feel compelled to stick with anything. That is, even if I can keep my interest with a topic going as well.


Blarg.


Thankfully, I have gotten somewhat better about actually liking my interests. What I mean by this is when I find someone who actually likes something I like, I've been getting away from feeling bad about the thing I like. I.E. Much like a teenager who likes, say Pokemon, but doesn't want to be insulted for liking it if he brings it up in front of his friends. For me, it was usually cartoons like Steven Universe, Adventure Time (when I was watching it, no idea what the new stuff is like) or animes like the JoJo series, Kill la Kill, Overlord, etc.


Basically, when you're made fun of a lot growing up, you don't like to show off what you like, as that looks like weakness for someone else to exploit. It got worse when you felt embarrassed for liking the things you like. Again, I've gotten better, but I still have to force myself not to feel bad for liking something. (Though lately, my feelings have drastically altered with a few things, so even though in the past I would be thrilled talking to someone about WoW (World of Warcraft) I feel...highly conflicted on it and don't know how to respond to others about it.



Sorry for the rant. Anyways, my brother also recommended getting something called a cranial massage, so I might try that since it doesn't sound too expensive.