I totally understand what you mean

I used to be "sober" as I like to call it for a period of a few weeks,
but then as soon as I'm finally taking care of myself and eating well, etc., there's a part of me that says, no that's wrong, now binge.

I've had this problem for 6 years now, I'm honestly still surprise I'm alive xx
I thought I was going to have a heart attack last May, because my eating got so bad, I experienced really bad chest pain and couldn't breathe properly, I hate this thing I have and the worst thing is, I can't tell anyone about it b/c they'll just think I'm greedy and lazy