IED, or Intermittent Explosive Disorder, is a behavioral disorder characterized by explosive outbursts of anger and violence, often to the point of rage, that are disproportionate to the situation at hand (e.g., impulsive screaming triggered by relatively inconsequential events).

I have struggled with this probably for the last 8 years or so. 8 years ago is the earliest instance I remember. This was when I was 14 years old. I don't remember what it was that set me off, but it caused me to grab a pocket knife and stab an air freshener can multiple times. I felt embarrassed even though no one witnessed it. I just discarded the can and moved on.

Over the years, I have had multiple episodes like this. Throughout my teen years, whenever something set me off (it could be anything as inconsequential as mild discomfort), I would just scream and kick the nearest piece of furniture. Of course, I wouldn't be strong enough to do any real damage to it.

When I was 20, I was spending time with my boyfriend at that time. He was waiting for me in the car, and I was talking with his mom for a few minutes. As I was saying my goodbyes, he honked the horn once. I ignored it and continued saying goodbye. He then proceeded to honk the horn repeatedly, at least 4 or 5 more times in a row. I stormed out of the house and yelled at him. That was the first and only time that I've ever yelled at a romantic partner. I didn't want to yell at him (although anyone would've been equally annoyed), but something in my brain just flipped a switch, and I lost control of myself. I felt so bad afterwards. I apologized as much as I could. I reassured that I still cared about him, and that I didn't know what had came over me because I literally didn't.

I used to smoke cigarettes. I smoked them for 4 years. I wasn't a real heavy smoker. I smoked about 7 cigarettes per day on average. I had my last cigarette on December 31, 2017, so it's been a little over 6 months. I feel healthier, I can breathe more easily, and all that good stuff.
However, I feel like with the sudden detachment from nicotine and other harmful chemical agents that are in cigarettes, the episodes have gotten worse and more frequent.

2 weeks into me quitting, I got angry about something that I can't remember now, and I punched the dashboard of my car. It caused a few of the outermost buttons to cease function. Over the next couple of months while waiting for the psychological symptoms of nicotine and other carcinogen withdrawal, I had many more episodes like this. I would always end up destroying something, and after the episode had ended, I always feel regret and sadness. I had at least 2 episodes per week. After the 2-months of me quitting smoking had ended, I was able to control myself better. The episodes grew less frequent after that.

I could explain all sorts of other instances of me destroying something due to something inconsequential happening, but here's the two of the most recent instances that I've had (they've coincidentally made me feel like **** the most):
2 weeks ago, I saw that my cat had pooped on the floor. I scolded her, and then all of a sudden, my anger flared up. I went into my room, and slammed the door. The gust of wind that was generated from me slamming the door caused a vase to fall off of my dresser and break. The bottom part of the vase shattered, but it could still stand upright. Regardless, knowing that my careless actions ruined something that was given to me as a token of my partner's love made me lose it. I screamed and cried for about 20 minutes. This vase contains a flower (now dead, but I still cherish it) that my current boyfriend had given to me when he asked me to go out with him. I wanted to keep it forever no matter what, so I placed it at the very top of my desk, hoping nothing would happen to it.
Today, I had another burst of anger from not being able to solve these homework problems that I have been assigned. I threw my calculator and a pair of scissors at my closet door, damaging it in 2 places. Then, I took a roll of duct tape and started slamming it against my desk. The force that I exerted on my desk caused the vase to fall and break... again. In the same place. Now, it can't even stand upright. I collected all the pieces, and I hope to put it together again sometime.

I don't know if any of you have seen or heard of the show "Aggretsuko", but when the symbol on her head (the Japanese word for "rage") lights up, and she goes crazy, that is the most accurate comparison that I can make when my anger flares up.

Now that you have read about my experiences, would you suspect that I have IED, or some behavioral disorder that is similar in nature to IED? I would like to hear your thoughts.

Thank you for your time,

Hg