Forums at Psych Central - View Single Post - Childhood emotional neglect and abuse
View Single Post
Old 07-16-2018, 01:58 PM
growthmindset1 growthmindset1 is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: canada
Posts: 4
growthmindset1 growthmindset1 is offline
New Member
growthmindset1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: canada
Posts: 4

Trig Childhood emotional neglect and abuse

Hi, I am Sara.

I wasn't sure where to post this. I just made an account to share my story to get some help. I really struggle with letting any guy into my life (on an intimate level). I fear and hate them in the same time. Although I have some male friends and I know they are good. For me to get into a relationship with one is a completely different story.
My mom definitely experienced CEN herself. She has zero emotional intelligence. She is very weak, emotionally, and does not handle stress well. I tried to tell her how what she did affected me and she would cry or get upset. I was molested by two different men when between the ages 4-5 and I never got any emotional support even when she knew. I did not tell her about the second abuser because I knew it wouldn't matter (yes at age 5). I remember myself being mature since then, relying on myself, and people would always point out how strong and mature I was for my age... giving people advice when I was just a kid. I remember giving hugs to my mom to make her feel good and not because I was the one that needed them. I was starved from having emotional support. My dad was just absent and emotionally, mentally and physically abusive and I just checked out with him to be honest. Today I am 24 years old and I have a palpable fear of men. My brother molested me and made me do things... I don't blame him because he was young, and he was raped when he was younger. My older sister has borderline personality disorder and she makes zero effort to change her life. We're 5 kids and they're all quite messed up. I am just tired of holding everyone together... being the rock... referring them to counselors. I am happy that they are somewhat okay, but they're not there for me. Girls admire that I don't have much interest in guys thinking I have it all figured out and admire my physical appearance, but are oblivious to the simple thought of being with a man terrifies me. Even though I know that I am attracted to men, I have this mistrust and I just see them as pathetic. I know it is illogical, and I have been working with a trauma counselor that does EMDR but honestly I don't see much change in that department. It is like my brain is stuck and will not yield.

I always seem to be attracted to older females that are attentive and strong and I cling on to them. Characteristics which my mother did not have. I just obsess over having their attention. How do I handle this? I am not even gay... I just hate that I am always looking for that next female for support. As soon as I sense weakness from a girl, I don't want to be friends with her anymore. I read on another comments section MANY women struggle with this: mothers that emotionally neglect them.

The funny thing is I read A LOT and I am very proactive in trying to heal. I love helping others but it is so difficult to help myself. Trust me I try. Any feedback will be appreciated. Although I am 24, I feel as though I am a 100 years old waiting to take my last breath. Self compassion is not that easy but I try to tap myself on the back so to speak when I do something to be proud about... Although I am grateful for many things, and I have a positive mindset, often times hatred of others overwhelms me.

Peace

Last edited by CANDC; 07-16-2018 at 08:17 PM. Reason: Trigger icon
growthmindset1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from: