I am just coming to terms with discovering that no matter how hard I try, there will always be times when I revert back to not coping.

I have a toolbox of things to help me, 13 steps for managing flashbacks, meditation, inner child therapy and learning how to love myself. When I am at my best they allow me to manage my daily life although it does drain my energy.

Right now, I am having a hard time and trying to pick myself up, it is not easy. I have been here many times and know that I will eventually come through it. It is hard though when I feel so excluded from the world.

My brain is a mess even on a good day and I find normal social cues difficult to notice. My brain processes things slowly and then I am worried I have upset people later. I am not saying nasty things but just find it hard to notice people subtle boundaries. I would never want to upset another person but worry that I have. Cognitively I don't feel I fit into the real world. This leaves me isolated at home. Just when I feel able to get out the cycle starts again. It makes it hard for me to trust myself, so I can understand why others may not.

Stress is very difficult and that can be anything for example, the cat meowing making my head feel it will explode. I can't take any pressure and I just want to be normal.