Quote:
Originally Posted by Gus1234U
find someone with good social/parenting skills, a good teacher or a good friend, and mimic them. use them to model new behaviors. sometimes it takes more effort to open ourselves to new behaviors than to actually find someone to model them on/from. early behaviors are very deeply ingrained, and take strong 'rooting out', not just an overlay,,, tho that is better than no change at all.....
here is a little recipe for change that has served me well:
1) DECIDE to change;
2) decide WHAT to change;
3) CHANGE as much as you can every time you can;
4) PRAISE yourself for every time you change, no matter how much~!
the last step is very important. good parenting involves a lot of praise and positive suggestions. relinquish any habit or desire of focusing on how defective, or deficient one is, and focus instead on how wonderful it is to finally be making changes~!
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thank you gus1234u for the very helpful suggestions. i know what good parenting should be like and i am going to try to parent myself. it is really such an empowering concept.
i finally finished reading beverly engel's book. i could not relate to some of the info but there was enough that really hit home. she said many of the same things you said.
here are some of the chapter titles from her book:
"rejecting your parents' negative reflection"--our sense of self is mirrored back to us by the facial expressions/physical contact (or lack thereof)/emotions of our caregivers -- we need to shatter any negative distorted image these caregivers reflected back to us by their negligence or abuse. my mom never asked me how i was doing so i have started to ask myself that question multiple times during the day. i hope that will help me get more in touch with my feelings and eventually fill that void.
--"emotionally separating from your parents"
--"looking deeper into the mirror; discovering the real you"
--"providing for yourself what you missed as a child" - those who felt rejected and abandoned by their caregiver must not continue that abandonment. it is up to our adult selves to take care of ourselves like a good parent would. give ourselves praise, take care of our health, eat well, get enough sleep etc
--"if you were neglected, rejected, or abandoned: healing the "i am unlovable" and "i am worthless" mirrors"
the book also has exercises. i know undoing what needs to be undone might take a while but i am encouraged that i have already seen some improvement. this is so worth doing!