I send cute snuggly teddy bear hugs out to you Purple Heart! You are not alone in this.

Our life experiences can shape and influence who we are and what we do. If we remain aware of this, we can maintain some level of control and not allow past trauma to control us; instead, we can utilize our pain and suffering to create change.

For myself, I have found purpose in my trauma. Even more-so that it was repeated more than once. Instead of letting my abusers rule my life, I have spent countless hours and days researching my particular trauma in hopes of exposing and spreading awareness and preventing others from experiencing it. This has allowed me to channel my negative energy into something productive and positive instead of self-destructing in some other way. I still have days where I will get triggered and have to call distress lines in anger and vent and vent for hours. Sometimes I will crawl into bed and hide under the bed sheets and cry. I will experience emotional flashbacks when at work or while watching movies or listening to music. All of these things remain, however, with less and less severity and frequency.

The important thing to realize is that we are resilient. We may suffer the effects of trauma for the rest of our lives and we may begin to believe respite from trauma's grasp is futile... All trauma survivors relate to this feeling; it doesn't matter where we go or what we do, our trauma is inside us and it won't leave us alone. I remember spending months and months after each re-traumatization in a state of survival, thinking it would never end. But each and every time I was traumatized, it would gradually dissipate to a level that was tolerable.

I am not sure what got me to that place... What I do know is that time (and everything that comes with it) seems to be the only logical explanation. I have called distress lines thousands of times. I had to. I had no supports and I needed help and I just vented on and on and connected with others about the darker side of human nature. I realized I was not alone, that there are others out there who have been through what I had been through and that there are countless more who haven't been through it but potentially could. I thought it would be nice to spread awareness in case someone else landed in a similar set of circumstances. I use age regression as a main coping mechanism for triggers. I literally put on a diaper, snuggle teddy bears under really soft blankets and I will listen to ASMR recordings, bedtime stories. I learned to connect with my inner child and be a parent to it. I had to empathize with myself and rid of toxic shame that my abusers burdened me with. I had to learn to love myself and see myself as a survivor (not a victim or someone deserving of abuse). I had to learn to empathize with my abusers (and this is not something that is necessary or required for everyone). In doing so, I learned that despite the evil deeds they committed, there was a reason for it. (What they did was wrong, period. I will never give them excuses for their actions).

Ultimately, it is a hard road. Anyone who goes through trauma has a different understanding of the word trauma. It carries with it a host of constituent parts, all of which are painful. In short, others have already posted such wonderful insights about accepting the trauma and learning to tolerate and live with it. THAT, I think, is the answer. The process of healing from trauma is different for everyone.

Does any of this seem useful to you? I hope I didn't ramble on too much. I just want to plant seeds in your head.

I also set major boundaries with the abusers in my life. No contact for almost 2 years and now I set limits for toxicity.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz