so, because i find it difficult to converse in person, the majority of my friends are online. i have lots of friends that i talk to on a regular basis, which i should be happy about. however, i cannot shake this underlying fear that all of them secretly hate me and are merely putting up with my presence.

for this reason, i often leave online groups seemingly for no reason. many of my friends in those groups get concerned and message me privately asking if i am doing okay. the majority of those friends still talk to me regularly. you would think this would serve as a sort of comfort. you would think that by now i would believe that they do actually care and want to be my friend. nope. still believe that they are simply doing it as some sort of strange obligation or courtesy.

because of this fear, i rarely message my friends first and i often wait several hours before responding when they try to talk to me. this leads to them thinking that i don't really like them or care to talk to them, and i can sense that. i feel bad, i truly do, but my mindset is this: "i don't actually provide any sort of positivity or usefulness in their life, so whether i talk to them or not does not matter. i can easily be replaced." in that same vein, i believe that if i were to abandon my friends out of the blue and without a word, it wouldn't really affect them that much. that sounds horrible, doesn't it?

i've even confronted some friends about my concerns, and these thoughts still refuse to go away even after they assure me that they do enjoy being my friend.


i just don't know what to do. i love my friends so much, and they are the reason that i am still alive. it's just impossible for me to get as close to them as i'd like.