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here today
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Default Aug 04, 2018 at 10:11 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by guileless View Post
I don't feel like I need therapy any longer in a general sense. I've done enough therapy. Therapy was the seed; now that it has been planted firmly, the seedling having took root a few years ago, the leaves have grown into a lush tree. Nothing has wilted, though I have much room to grow as anybody.

The one thing hanging over me, however, is that rupture... I realize I am contradicting myself in stating it was due to his issues, but at the same time, needing to figure out why. That's definitely the nature of my unresolved 'inner conflict'.

Sorry that you are dealing with horrible feelings and the thought of therapy makes you ill. Have you thought about going back to your last one? Thanks for the suggestion about trying another therapist. The thought of starting over with another therapist makes me sort of ill, so I doubt if I would ever go there. Still weighing the decision about if/how to resolve the past rupture with this one.
I did go back to the last one, and I guess the resolution was, there is no resolution. I wanted to complain or write bad reviews online -- I wanted to "hurt" her, as she had hurt me. I worked on accepting that response in me and eventually wrote her an email asking for a partial refund for the last year. I had been paying her out of pocket.

She offered a small amount, as a "good will gesture". I didn't want that. I suggested we meet for free for several sessions. She agreed. After about 3 it became clear that she thought the fact that she didn't have the emotional resources to have what it took to finish the therapy with me that she had started, and thought in the beginning that she could, did not count as her not doing her job. She did find a referral for me, which I was not interested in. I also emailed her several times, and she responded, mostly about my continuing pain and outrage. We are not in a permanent emotional cut-off necessarily. So, for me, seeking to "resolve" things did eventually lead to some resolution and acceptance inside myself that there was likely no resolution in the outside situation.

Looking back now, there were a bunch of feelings that came out of that experience that I was not used to, not "in touch" with. First, wanting to hurt her so badly -- that eventually made it's way into the civil, if unpleasant, email requesting a refund. Second -- disappointment, not just rage, at her failure/inabilty to do her job. At her leading me on, so to speak. These are not pleasant feelings, but useful for me to have, and they serve a purpose.

Main horrible feeling I have now is that I believed in, and put effort into therapy for so long, my outside, "real" life fell apart, and I'm now 70 and trying to put something together now is very difficult.

But, it seems, maybe not impossible either. One foot in front of the other. It is what it is.

Don't know if my story has any relevance to your situation. Maybe your rollercoaster is like what I called my hyperaroused feelings?

I'd be interested in reading how things turn out for you if you do try to talk to your ex-T again.
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