When I need to face the fact that I am not going to get "OK", whatever that even is in a personality. The damage was just too great -- both the initial childhood stuff, genetics maybe, and then the inadequacy and lack of knowledge in diagnosing and treating interpersonal trauma and personality disorders over the last more than 55 years that I have been in therapy, off and on. My "belief" that I would get OK, that I could find or get or "make" therapy work for me was, instead, most likely a feature of the disorder, an idealization, pipe dream, fantasy. I did give up on therapy 2 years ago, but I still somehow kept on hoping for something better.

I am not functioning well, can't -- and don't really want to -- take care of my home, and the most realistic assessment that I can make is that I need to get out. The question is timing, and how. . .There will clearly be some loss of control on my part, too.

Maybe this realization is, in fact, an indication that I am more "well". It just sucks. Still better to realize it myself, I think, than to have something forced on me. That happened to a friend of mine several years ago. She has adjusted OK now, and is better off in terms of her living conditions, health, too, probably, but she surely didn't like the process of getting to where she is.

Personality disorders suck!