We started off by T saying how long I had seen him for therapy, he said about five. I told him that it was actually almost 6 years in September. Of course, now I am worried about he was hinting that he wanted to get rid of me. I hate my brain. If I text him, and I probably will he is going to tell me that no, he wasn't hinting. T is going away on a cruise in September, so I asked him if I needed a fill-in T while he was gone. He told me that I could email him. He so kind and generous. So, now the problem of me worrying if I can contact him or not is solved, I now am worried about what I am allowed to write. I guess I need to talk to him about this. Really, the last thing I want is to bother him on vacation. But I trust him to not overextend himself and then get angry with me.

T told me that last week I talked about how I was worried about how I might say something to make him leave (or terminate, I guess). I went through a very intense time in the past month. Sometimes I feel like I am tempting fate, and that issue is an example. I wonder if a part of me is trying to push T away, but it is only a guess. I am SOOOO confused and at this time I want to keep any chance of abandonment far, far away from me. I think I am building an inner barricade. T went through his schedule book and booked me for extra days until he leaves on his adventure. I feel afraid and a bit confused sometimes. So, I think it was a good session.