T yesterday. Went back and sat down. He asked how I'd done with him being out for a few days. I said I did OK. He said he was surprised I didn't email, that he thought at the very least I'd send something saying, "Just making sure we're still on for Monday," like to keep the connection. I said that I'd set a boundary for myself that I wasn't going to email him while he was out of town, unless something really bad happened, like H threw me out of the house. T: "That would have been pretty bad. It's good you were able to keep to that." Me: "Thanks."

Then we had a very awkward (for me) conversation because...I did know where he was (public event, I'd looked it up out of curiosity, but last time I'd told him that he was uncomfortable that I knew where he was. So I didn't want to tell him.). T: "What made you think I was out of town?" Me: "I don't know, I thought you said you'd be away from the office, so I just assumed." T: "I think I said I'd be out of the office." Me: "OK, but I figured you meant you were going out of town." T: "Rather than a stay-cation? Would you have been bothered if, say, you thought I was here and seeing clients but not you?" Me: "Well, I didn't really think that. And I think it was more the idea that you were away." T: "What do you mean?" Me: "Well, I worry about people more when they travel, even though stuff can happen right at home. And it felt like then you wouldn't be accessible." T: "Oh OK, like I couldn't come to office if you needed to see me." Me: "Yes, just felt more distant, I guess."

Talked about upcoming beach trip (next week) with my parents/H/D, some stuff about my mom. Like why it's stressful for me being around her for days, how I feel like I have to put on an act for her (more detail than that).

I then said how I'd been talking to a friend earlier about therapy with him, saying some things I did, and she commented that it seemed I was taking care of him, like trying to give him impression that I was doing better than I was. And I'd realized it was just like with my mom, that it was like I was putting on an act for her at times, trying to hide the OCD, anxiety, etc. T: "And you think you're hiding how you're really doing with me?" Me: "At times, yeah, maybe.
T: "OK, so what do you mean?" Me: "Well, it's like...when you were away. You said how I hadn't emailed you, so you felt I'd coped well with that." T: "It seemed like you did." Me: "The thing is...I mean, I did think about you sometimes and got emotional a few times." T: "That's OK." Me: "Yeah, but what I did to get through it, like so I didn't feel like I lost the connection...I'm afraid to say this." T: "It's OK, what is it?" Me: "I guess, I...I looked at a photo of you online a few times, like to make me feel better. It was a public photo, but...I'm sorry if that's weird." I dissolved into sobs. T: "It's OK." Me: "But I feel like you felt weird about the stone representing you, and obviously a picture represents you, so..." T (in very caring voice): "It's OK. You did nothing wrong." Me: "OK. thanks."

I said something regarding attachment, maybe wanting secure attachment with him? I forget. T (sounding a bit frustrated): "I've told you that I'd never abandon you. I told you we'd talk about anything that came up, that I'd never just show you the door. And we've worked through some conflicts already. And I've told you I'll be honest with you. I'm not sure what else you're looking for to make you feel secure?" Me (though tears): "I don't know. I think, really, it's that...I was starting to feel secure with you. And then I kind of freaked out." T: "OK."

I said how ex-MC had said many of those things, too, and then look how things turned out. I said something about feeling too much for ex-MC. T said he didn't think it was that I felt it, but (referring to the "I love you"), "Some feelings probably shouldn't be shared." More tears. Me: "But the thing is, I'd told him that before, so I don't understand why it was OK then but not later." T: "Maybe it was *because* you'd told him before. That the trajectory was continuing in a certain direction." Me: "Oh."

I said I knew he was worried about stuff with ex-MC happening with him, so I worried about telling him anything I felt that seemed in that direction. T said he wasn't worried so much about himself but for me, that he wants me to have strong relationships outside of therapy, with others and with myself. And there are limits to the relationship with him. I said I knew, the one-sidedness of it, the boundaries. He said that I couldn't get what I felt I needed from the relationship with him, so I'd just end up being disappointed. I said I understood the boundaries and tried to follow them, and he said I'd been good at respecting his boundaries, that what he was saying wasn't about that, but my well-being.

In the midst of being really upset, while trying to push my recently cut hair out of my face again, I said, "I have no idea what's going on with my hair!" T: "That part's too short." Me: "Yeah." T: "You need like another half inch." Me: "Exactly." T: "They have barrettes and things for that, to clip it back. Your daughter probably has some, maybe with sparkles." Me: "Yeah, maybe I could wear a Disney Princess one." T: "There you go."

Back to fear of abandonment stuff. T: "It seems you think that people abandoning you is something you have no control over. It's like you're walking around, expecting a meteor to fall from the sky." Me: "Yeah, I guess it's sort of like that. Or worrying about being hit by lightning, seeing that there's a storm."

T said it feels like I'm overly sensitive to what people think of me and try to please them. He said for example, if he'd made some critical comment about my shirt, I'd likely never wear it again there. I said was probably true. T: "So what if the situation was reversed. Say you really hate these socks," he said, pointing at his sock. Me: "Are those roses?" T, pulling up pant leg, "Yes. But say you hated them and told me you hated them. Would you expect me not to wear them again? And would you be offended if I wore them to session?" Me: "No. I mean, maybe if they were the only socks you wore from now on." T: "True." Me: "Now you're going to wear them every time. Oh, maybe I should get a pair and wear them." T smiled.

Me (noticing time): "I was actually going to ask you for the stone today so that I didn't have to worry about it on Friday, but I'm afraid to now." T: "Would you feel better taking it now?" Me: "I guess. I mean, I could take it and just put it in my luggage and not touch it till I'm going out of town or anything." T: "It's fine to take it now. Do you know what you want?" Me: "Yeah, I noticed this stone in sand tray the other day and liked it." T: "Oh, that little guy? Sure, you can take that. It's a river rock, nice and smooth." Me: "Yeah, if you haven't figured it out, I like the smooth ones. Wait, do other clients play with it because it's on the sand tray?" T: "No, nobody plays with that." Me: "OK." I grabbed it and stashed it in my purse.

We were almost over time. T asked if I was OK with what we'd talked about. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd try not to reach out. T: "You know my email policy." Me: "Yes, I know, I'm sorry." T (in very caring voice): "It's OK, you don't have to be sorry." Me: "OK." Confirmed Friday, and I was going to be out of town most of the next week, so didn't schedule next one.

Went over to pay, and I commented on how I hoped to see him the Friday I got back from vacation. T: "Oh...I forgot to tell you, I'm out that Thursday and Friday, plus Monday (Labor Day)." I started crying again. Me: "I'm sorry, I'll get myself back together." T: "It's OK. Sorry about the timing." Me: "Is it possible to maybe schedule a phone call when I'm away, since, I'll be away?" (He'd said before he prefers in person but would consider phone if someone is out of town). T said yes. After I signed the credit card slip, I almost put his pen in my purse without thinking, saying, "Oh, I totally almost just took your pen. I use the same kind." T: "That would have been OK. I love the gel ink." Me: "Me too." He shook my hand without saying anything, like maybe he didn't know what to say, then as I was about to walk out, he said, "Take care." Me: "You, too." I tried to hold it together while walking through waiting room, down elevator, outside to my car, and I mostly succeeded, then started crying again once in the car.

Ended up texting him, asking if he had any openings Tues. or Wed. He said he had time Wed. I said maybe I'd email him instead. Sent him long email, asking him for longer paid response, then thinking better of it, said if he still had Wed., maybe we should meet then instead. He replied, saying I'd wisely said was too much to address in email, that he'd want to have a full discussion about it, so he'd see me tomorrow at 12:30 (and I'm keeping Friday, too, for pre-vacation stuff).