Our session today mostly revolved around getting answers to some of my personal questions about T which ended up being a big relief.

In a moment of craziness during our 2-week break I had emailed T and told him of an online photo I had seen of him with his mom and sister. In the photo they look happy and loving and there’s a caption that reads “Happy Mother’s Day to a mom who keeps on giving.” I’m estranged from my mom, so I guess I was noticing the contrast. I immediately regretted telling him about finding the photo even though he had responded positively. I was worried he’d be upset or annoyed or creeped out but he wasn’t at all and that was a huge relief. He said everyone looks up their therapist and sort of laughed (in a kind way) saying that many people eventually tell their therapist about it. He completely normalized it saying that lots of people even look up their T’s address. I was worried he’d think I was a crazy stalker and immediately said I have no desire to see him outside our session and he calmly replied, “I know, I know.” Interestingly, he said he couldn’t find the photo even though it had only taken me about 5 minutes to find and was on his sister’s FB page. He apparently doesn’t use FB. I didn’t tell him about the random list of personal things I’ve discovered about him through my online search, but maybe it’ll come out eventually. I had been worried because he discloses very little about himself so I thought he might be upset that I found this teensy bit of personal information about him. But he said it’s ok for me to bring up any bit of personal info I find about him although he’s uncomfortable disclosing info because he doesn’t want to make therapy about him. I tend to be extremely slow to trust, so maybe he was just glad I was taking steps in that direction. In the course of our discussion he briefly mentioned having a daughter (of course I already knew he has 2) and talked about some difficulties he’s had with his mom. Just mentioning these things made him seem more human and perhaps ever so slightly evened out the balance of power.

We had an issue a few months ago where he did not answer my question about whether or not he has a pet. That came up again when talking about the online photo I found and I used that as an example about how he seems super private and not willing to share seemingly simple information about himself. He said it’s complicated and I said it’s not really. I mean you have a pet or you don’t and it really seemed like you were trying hard to beat around the bush. He said he didn’t mean to seem like he was playing games with me and went on to say he’s a dog person and had a dog that recently died (of course I then felt bad) and that he currently has a cat at his house but it’s not his. So I guess it was actually complicated! We had a whole discussion about how he believes every question has deeper meaning and I said I didn’t think so. He disagreed and said he thinks a cigar is never just a cigar. I still don’t really agree. Lastly, I asked him if I were to ask him where he will be going at the end of September would he tell me? He leaned forward and said he would always answer any question I had for him if I told him that I really wanted to know. That was really nice. I told him I didn’t need to know where he was going.

I pretty much always struggle to go to therapy each week and I think today’s session made me feel a little bit closer to him. Hopefully I can hang on to this feeling and hopefully it will be a little easier for me to go next week.