I have a 22 year old daughter who is living in a city about 4 hours from me where she has been attending cosmetology school. She has experienced depression and anxiety since she was about 13 after being bullied at school. She eventually left public school for a smaller school, but ended up quitting at 16. Last year she finally got her GED and enrolled in the school she's been attending. She was living with her boyfriend, but they broke up and she has been living alone since last spring. My husband and I are paying for school and her apartment, expenses, etc. About 3 months ago she stopped taking her medication for depression, thinking she was "okay now" and didn't need it. Of course, she quickly became depressed again and stopped doing anything - wanted to quit school, didn't go out and see people, etc. I moved in with her for 6 weeks, getting her a new doc and therapist, providing support, helping her get back on her feet. She was doing great, feeling better, participating in therapy, meeting new people and going out. I came home and the next night she went out with a friend, got drunk, fell on her face and skinned her cheek, got a fat lip and swollen eyes. Nothing permanent, but it's taking it's time to heal. She is a very pretty girl who puts a lot of store in her looks. So she's acting as if the world is coming to an end and she's a gargoyle. Hasn't been out of her apartment in days except to see her therapist, and I can see her setting the stage for not returning to school from her leave next week. This is her last chance with her school. They extended her leave twice and told her that if she doesn't return, she'll have to withdraw. There is a serious commitment of time and money here. Her education fund could be depleted without her finishing.


My first reaction is, of course, to drive to her and try to "fix" everything. I set a bad pattern for both of us when she was a teenager by running interference with schools and friends and family. Which didn't help either of us. She's done a good job of being on her own until she quit her meds, but I'm afraid that if I don't try to make everything okay, it will all fall apart. She needs to learn to be independent and responsible and I need to separate and allow her to. But it's almost a physical need to rush to the rescue. But I am so very tired of this pattern.


How do others deal with being codependent with loved ones, especially children?