T yesterday—extra session to deal with stuff from Monday. Went back and sat down. T had printed a copy of my email from Monday night--I said I had a copy, too. He asked where I wanted to start. I said I probably should have figured that out before session. He suggested we start with the ex-MC part, and I said OK.

I'd said in email how it felt like Monday, T had said I'd done something wrong in telling ex-MC that I loved him, that I felt like he was saying that what happened with him was all my fault. T: "The only mistake you made was sharing something like that and not being prepared for him to have a big reaction to it." Me: "Um..." T: "I'm trying to help you understand how people can react to you. That in choosing to tell someone something, you need to understand how it can affect them and how they could react." Me: "OK...I get that, but...it still seems like you're trying to say it's all my fault what happened. When I don't think it was just me. I think it was some stuff with ex-MC, too."

T said he wasn't trying to assign blame, that some of ex-MC's inconsistent boundaries likely contributed. He mentioned ex-MC's excessive self-disclosure. T: "It probably felt to you that he was letting you into his world." Me: "Yes, it kind of did. I don't know that he realizes the effect it had on me or could have on other clients." T: "He probably doesn't." Me: "He'd say it's just who he is as a therapist."

I said I couldn't believe that I was the first client to tell him I loved him. T: "And Ex-MC is a lovable sort of guy, very warm and sensitive and caring. He's squishy." Me: "Yeah, it's why I said a stuffed animal made sense to represent him."

Me: "When you said boundaries, I assumed you meant because he was our marriage counselor." T: "Well, there's that, too. It complicated things." Me: "I kind of feel like...the way he was inconsistent, that he was sometimes willing to talk to me on phone but other times not, that he would sometimes reply to email sometimes not, that he would say we could talk about anything in session sometimes, then other times say we had to stick to marriage counseling stuff--it felt like that contributed to my insecure attachment." T: "Hm, like intermittent reinforcement. That makes sense." Me: "Yes, like sometimes he gave me what I wanted so I kept pushing him to get it, to get more of it."

I said sometimes I wished that I could have just been working with ex-MC, so that we could have fully addressed it. T: "Well, but that could have had its own set of problems. Then you would just be a man and a woman sitting in a room talking, with no H there." Me (thinking...isn't that what I'm doing right now with you?): "True."

Me: “Maybe I just define love differently, like I have a lower threshold. Where some people would think it means I’d take a bullet for them.” T: “That could be. Maybe for you it could be how someone makes you feel when you’re with them, for example.” Me: "Yes. So my saying love might seem scary to someone because of what they think it means. Which is different from what I mean. when I say it." Mentioned how a guy had dumped me after I said I loved him, and how I'd vowed never t say it first in relationship after that. And with people since then, including H, if I started feeling love toward them, it was like "Oh no, what if they can tell, what if they can figure it out." I forget what T said to that.

Said I wanted to cover some other topics in email too. Brought up the ever-present original stone, how his reaction to that still continued to affect me. I said it wasn't so much that I wanted an apology for what he said, I just wanted him to really understand why it upset me. Like when he called it "10% creepy" and compared it to digging through a celebrity's trash. T: "But remember, I said that was on the other end of the spectrum." Me: "But I don't want to be on that spectrum at all!"

I asked why he was OK giving me the stone now for the trip--was it because it was for a set period of time? T: "Maybe that's part of it, but it's really more that I know you better now and I think I understand what's going on with it."

Then I made the stupid decision to bring up looking at his photo. Me: "What I don't understand is why you were bothered by the stone when you thought it was about you, but then you seemed totally fine with my looking at your photo, which is very clearly about you. It's not like I was looking at a photo of the building." T: "Well, I wouldn't say I was totally fine with it. Maybe 5% bothered." Me (starting to cry): "What? I thought you were OK with it?" T: "But that's such a tiny amount. It's barely anything at all. I don't see why it's so upsetting." Me: "Because I don't want it to be any percent. I just want you to be OK with it."

T: "I'm not immune to you, LT." Me: "What?" T: "Things you say and do affect me. I'm not going to hide that. I'm trying to teach you how other people can be affected by what you choose to share. So that maybe you'll think more carefully about it before you share with them." Me: "...Are you trying to say if something like this happens in the future, I shouldn't share it with you?" T: "Well, you should really think about the effect it could have." Me: "But wouldn't something like that have therapeutic value? Like, say, why I was looking at your photo one week but not another?" T: "I'm just saying to think about what you share." Me: "And I know you're trying to get me to know how affect other people...but I'm not going to tell my friend that I missed her and looked at her photo. Well, possibly a family member, but...I think that's kind of normal."

I started crying, "I just have trouble internalizing things, internalizing other people's feelings for me. Not just with you, with anyone. So I need the outside things sometimes. And I don't want to have to hide that." I forget what T said to that. I asked if it would bother him if I went back and read some of his emails to me. He said no, that he wrote emails to clients with the thought that they might revisit them, so that's fine. Me: "OK, that's part of why I initially wanted you to reply to Monday's email, so I'd have it to look at. But then I realized I was sort of afraid of how you'd reply, and we'd only have Friday before the break, so..." T: "I think it's better we met. I've said some fairly harsh things today, and it's better that I'm able to see your reactions to those." Me: "Yes, some of this would have been even more difficult over email."

Me: "I know we're near the end, but there's one other thing I want to bring up that wasn't in the email but that I thought about from Monday." T: “Is this going to be a uncomfortable place to end session?" Me: "I don’t think so, I just want to clarify something, an impression I got." T: "OK." Me: "So when we were talking about secure attachment, you were listing various things you'd said, like told me you wouldn't abandon me, worked through conflicts with me, said that you'd tell me early on if something I did bothered you. And it sort of felt like...I got the sense that you were frustrated with me. But it's not easy, if I've had attachment issues my whole life, to just hear those things and be like, Oh, OK, everything's fine now. So...are you frustrated with me?"

T (in a caring voice): “I’m not frustrated with you, LT.” Me: "OK, thanks." T: "As you know, I can be rather intense at times." Me: "Yes." T: "When I was saying those things to you, it's because I really hate that you have to struggle with the attachment, I don't want you to be suffering." Me: "Oh. OK. Thanks."

T: "I know some of this has been difficult for you today." Me: "Yes." T: "You often seem to react more strongly than I expect you to. So I'll sometimes try to dial back the level of intensity or feedback for you." Me: "I appreciate that." T: "Sometimes I think maybe you need to tell me what you want from a topic, what you're looking for from me." Me: "OK." T: "But I am going to give feedback. Because I want to help learn to listen to and trust your internal voice first, rather than someone else's." I think I started crying here--or said something that prompted his next comment.

T: “Maybe the question should be: Do you think you can handle me?” Me: "...I think so." T: "OK. But just think about it." Me: "I will. But this makes me think of a recent forum post. Where someone had just started seeing a new T, and they were pretty harsh to them, but then they felt it was helping. And I replied to it, talking about you, saying how you say some harsh things to me as well. But that I wonder if I need to hear those harsh things and experience the emotions that come with them, in order to really get at those emotions and work on them. Like shame, for example. And I feel like I'm making progress with you, even though it's been painful at times. But I think maybe I have to do with the pain to move forward. Does that make sense?" T: "That makes a lot of sense." Me: "OK."

Confirmed Friday. T said would be fine to schedule half-hour call while I'm on vacation next week, that I could just text or email about a time. Went over and paid. Usually he stays seated while holding out his hand to me, but this time he stood up like on other side of his chair from me then was walking around to me, and I wasn’t sure if he’d forgotten the handshake and wondered why I wasn’t leaving or if he was going to shake it standing up. To break the awkwardness, I just held out my hand, and he shook it. Said he’d see me Friday, I said I’d see him then and “thanks for the extra session, though I know this is your job.” He smiled. (I was sort of hoping for a "take care," but oh well.)