T yesterday. Went back and sat down. T was wearing his Super Mario mushroom socks again. I started with something that happened that morning, where I felt H was harsher to D than he should have been. And how I've felt that way at other times recently but wasn't sure if I was overreacting or how to handle it. I was going to include details in this post but thought better of it. So I'll just say we had a discussion about parenting, and T seemed to agree with how I was seeing things. And gave me some advice on how to address it with H and to make sure we're on the same page about parenting stuff. T: "Consistent bad parenting is actually better for a child than inconsistent good parenting." Me: "Oh, so any kind of consistency is better?" T: "Generally, yes."

T said we could continue on the topic (had been 15 minutes) or go elsewhere, up to me. I said I did want to share something positive. That I'd called my mom to tell her H and D were going to beach a day before I was (parents are already down there--we're staying with them), and I expected her to get upset and protest, but she was just like, "OK." I said how H had said he heard what I said to her, and I seemed very matter-of-fact, "This is what we're doing to her." Me: "I think some of what I've learned in here is helping." T smiled. I gave more details, saying I'd explained that it had been a rough week with work and other stuff, and I just needed a day to recover.

T: "What I really like there is how you just said to her, 'Here's what we're doing.' It was a statement, not a question." He said I did include some explanations in there, which could have opened it up to her questioning me. I asked how I should have handled it if she'd done that. T: "Something like, 'Mom, I understand your feelings about this, but this is just what works best for me right now.' That way, you're acknowledging her feelings but still asserting what you're doing." Me: "Yeah, it can just be difficult." T: "Being assertive is very difficult for a lot of people, especially for someone like you who tends to want to be nice and please people." Me: "Yeah...and it came up in marriage counseling that when I tried to be assertive with H, it's like I overcorrected and was too harsh at times." T: "That's a good observation, and it can often happen. It's a difficult balance."

T talked more about wanting me to trust my inner voice: "It's something I want for you." He said he wanted it to be more like a dictatorship, "an LT dictatorship." I questioned that comparison a bit, and he said ideally, everyone is their own dictatorship of sorts, but it doesn't mean you have to be mean to everyone else, you can be a nice dictator (or something like that!)

We both started to say something at once. T said I could go ahead, then I said I forgot where I was going, so he could. T: "Uh...hm...I've lost what I was going to say." Me: "Are we going to spend the last 20 minutes just going, 'you go ahead,' 'no you!'"

T asked if I wanted to address anything else. Me: "I couldn't decide whether to bring this up. I struggled some after Wednesday's session. I wasn't sure what to think of some of what you said. Like when you asked if I could handle you." I said I'd talked to a friend or two who aren't really fans of his for a sort of reality check. T: "Did you get what you were looking for from them?" Me: "I'm not totally sure what I was looking for honestly. I guess I just...I know some people say I shouldn't keep seeing you, one reason being that you can't help me with my core attachment issue. But...maybe...you are helping me with that in a way. Maybe in a way different from how a psychodynamic T would, but still ultimately helping."

Me: "I guess in thinking about your question of whether I could handle you...I was just sort of thinking...are you sitting there wondering, 'what is she still doing here? Why isn't she going somewhere else?'" (I started crying.) T: "By someone else, you mean a different therapist?" Me: "Yes." T: "I haven't thought that, LT." Me: "OK, good." I said what I was trying to evaluate was: Is he helping me more than hurting me? And I felt like he was helping more, by a considerable margin. T seemed maybe a bit relieved to hear that.

Me: "It was just difficult when I said with the stone thing how I felt judged by you. And you didn't seem to understand what I meant. I think you actually said in the email that you didn't understand. And I tried to explain it more, but you still didn't get it, so I just kind of gave up and backed down." T: "I'm sorry you felt you had to back down. We could have discussed it more if it meant that much to you." Me: "I guess I just didn't see the point after a bit. But maybe...in the future, I'll keep trying to explain." T: "You should. And I'll do my best to understand." Me: "OK."

T: "But I am curious as to what you define as 'judgment.' Because what I was saying earlier about thinking you did well on the phone with your mom--that's judgment, too." Me: "Hm, I didn't really think of that." T: "So is it just about negative judgment?" Me: "Yeah, I guess, like stuff where someone is critical of me. Especially if it's something I already feel negatively about regarding myself." I tried to give examples but they weren't quite right. Me: "Would it help to just mention in the future when I feel judged, whether by you or someone else, and then we can explore where it's coming from?" T: "Yes, that would help."

Me: I think also...I feel weird saying this. It came up when talking to a friend." T: "Did the friend say this or you?" Me: "I did, it was a realization I had when talking to her." T: "OK." Me: "But I guess I worry that...OK, so my mom was always saying that I shouldn't share things with people. Like I should keep parts of me hidden. And so...in a way it feels like you're doing the same thing, giving me the same message. And I'm worried that's not helpful to me." T asked me to explain what I meant a bit more, and I tried. He said he's not trying to say I have to hide parts of me. He's just trying to help me understand the effect I can have on people. Like his comment of he's not immune to me, that applies to anyone I interact with. T: "I'm not saying you should avoid sharing this with people. Just that you should be mindful that what you do share will live in that relationship going forward." Me: "OK. And I guess not everyone would be honest and tell me like you, so then it could affect how they are toward me without me even knowing why." T: "Yes."

Me: "I guess another thing is...I mean, I know you're trying to give me other people's perspectives, how they might have reacted to what I said, like ex-MC or H. With ex-MC, I feel you were trying to put yourself in his head. But the thing is...how can you really know what he was thinking? I mean, unless he told you. And with H, I mean...you've never even met him, so..." T: "You're absolutely right--I don't know jack-s**t about what they're actually thinking." Me: "OK." T: "I'm just trying to give you a perspective on what *could* be going through their head, but I don't know. And if you said to me, 'No, that doesn't seem like something H would think,' I'd say, 'OK, maybe something else.'" Me: "OK."

I said I was also struggling a bit with his saying he was 5% bothered by my looking at the pictures. I said I mentioned it to a friend, and they were like, "I wonder what the other 95% is?" T smiled: "That was a good question!" Me: "They also said how 5% is really nothing." T: "They're right." Me: "And the thing is, I want it to be 0%. I tend to be like that though, how I'll focus on the 5% negative, not the 95% good." T: "So this isn't the first time you've realized this? It's a pattern?" Me: "Yes, definitely, like the glass half empty. And I don't know how to change it. Maybe it's something we could work on in the future?" T: "Yes, we certainly can."
Me: "I also worry that you're thinking of what I told you, like about the pictures or the stone, and you're wondering if that's just the tip of the iceberg, like what other creepy stuff am I doing?" T: "I don't wonder that. If I did, I'd tell you. I'd be honest. And now that you've brought it up, it would be especially dishonest not to tell you if I was thinking that." Me: "OK, good."

Me: "I was a little worried about bringing up some of these topics near the end, because I didn't want to end session on a bad note, since I won't be seeing you for a while." T (looking confused): "Aren't I seeing you early next week?" Me; "Uh, no, I'm out of town then. We're supposed to talk on the phone Wednesday?" T looks at calendar and says, "Oh, I guess not then. Not sure what I was thinking of."

Confirmed the Wednesday phone call and logistics (like who's calling who, regular call instead of video). He confirmed I only wanted half hour, saying he'd have to get off phone at 1:25, as he had session after. He might schedule something in half hour before, but if I decided I wanted full hour let him know. Me: "Unless everything is going to h*ll on the vacation, I think I'll be good with half hour. I'll let you know if I change my mind." Scheduled for regular session Tuesday after Labor Day when he's back.

As I was going over to pay, I said again how I'd worried about topics, saying, "I was wondering if in the last 20 minutes, I should have just talked about bunnies or something." T: "I actually hate bunnies...I'm just kidding, I have no issues with bunnies!" I laughed. Me: "I'm sure I told you about the bunny I had as a kid, right?" T didn't think so, so I told him about the giant rabbit as I was paying. T (shaking my hand): "Enjoy your vacation, OK?" Me: "OK, I'll do my best!" T: "And don't forget sunscreen." Me: "I won't!" T: "And wear a hat!" Me: "OK!" T: "But really, I hope you enjoy yourself." Me: "Thanks. Talk to you Wednesday." It felt like a really warm good-bye, the way I'd want to head into a rather stressful family vacation and T break.