I'll begin by saying that this is the most emotional pain that I have ever endured in my life. What is happening around me and within me right now feels like an endless hurricane.

My husband has schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. He has had around 8 hospitalizations in the past 2 years, lasting between one and 3 weeks at a time. I've been with him for 12 years and married for 2. During the relationship he has gone through countless jobs, lied to me all the time, gone on and off alcohol, on and off meds constantly. The lie that I told myself is that I had this all under control.

I thought that I was stronger than others. I researched the illness, took a class, read books, became an advocate, tried to fight stigma, went to therapy with him, researched meds, scheduled appointments, coordinated everything. Also--worked full time, paid all bills, coordinated everything adult, found jobs for my husband, counted out his pills, reminded him to take them, coordinated injections, called bosses over the years to try to "smooth things over", did all house chores unless I reminded him over and over again.

Before I go on--here are some positives about my husband--he loves his family, he embraces his inner child (that becomes a negative too), he is adventurous, I love traveling with him and seeing his reactions to things, his stories are invigorating, he is funny, he is handy/skilled, he loves animals.

I love my husband. I have also fallen into the codependent category. I have lost my sense of self in ways (while still maintaining a certain level of self-care...but not enough). Around every corner with my hope that he would eventually accept treatment completely, was immense disappointment when life would come crashing down again. Lost jobs, back to alcohol, disappearing in to the woods. His illness is awful. I can't imagine living with the voices everyday and the racing thoughts. But ultimately, I have to remind myself that he is an adult and has choices.

The past year has been especially hard....really the past 2 years. So many hospitalizations. Each time I think that maybe he has grasped it...that he will stay on his meds this time...then he "feels better" and secretly goes off of them while pretending to continue taking them. The best 2 months of our marriage were when he finally decided to quit smoking weed. Weed has always been a priority for him. It makes his illness worse. Those 2 months...might have been what has thrown me over the edge. I finally got to see a more stable version of him....someone who was attentive...who noticed me....then another hospitalization and he completely gave up on being clean. Even after getting relatively stable, it was no longer a priority. He was so excited about being clean. He would go around telling everyone. He called his parents every day to tell them what day he was on. He was proud.

That was....in February I think. It feels like a long long time ago. It was the only stretch of our 12 years that I have seen him sober for that long.
It is hard to explain my relationship with my husband. He has been the focus of my life for all of this time. I realize that that is my own doing. There are so many things that I should not have tolerated...there are boundaries that I never enforced. Our good times felt so good....and he is so much a part of my life and family....but always having to leave places early...catering to his illness all the time...the little things that people do for one another...don't happen to me. He isn't a cold hearted person but he doesn't go out of his way to do nice small things for me.

So--this has been vague. Long-winded...and doesn't give a very clear picture of what's been going on. Leading up to his last hospitalization in July, things were never quite that great. They weren't horrible, but we were seeing a couples counselor...he was willing to try some of the therapist's suggestions...until he wasn't. He started smoking more weed...started disappearing more option....He would come home and just sleep. I went away for the weekend at the beginning of August with friends. The trip had been planned for a long time. We decided it wasn't a good idea for Adam to go because he didn't like the people very much and crowds aren't his thing. When I got back from the trip, we were supposed to sit down and talk about what it felt like to be away from one another.

He refused to talk about it. In fact...for the past MONTH...I get home...he is either not there or just laying there. He won't answer me. He tells me to go away. I freaked out on him early on in the month. Spewed a bunch of horrendous things about him not contributing etc. etc. I got very angry. I went ballistic. He has done so many times over the years...and I finally lost my cool. That hurt him....and so he has been silent for nearly a month. The couples counselor paused counseling because he asked my husband if he had any effort left and my husband said "i don't know". My husband barely responded in the counseling sessions.

Everyday I go home and try to talk to him...and he says he's not talking to me. I finally asked him to move out. The counselor recommended we live separately anyway and I realize that the counselor isn't our end all be all but I am out of options. He comes home and is high. He just lays there. His paychecks are being completely spent. he hasn't given me any of his paycheck money since....April.

I'm a mess. The house is "ours". I paid for everything. We are married though so legally it is ours. He is supposedly going to be moving to this property at the farm where he works....it may or may not be a real thing. It's hard to determine what is a lie and what isn't.

I feel like I am abandoning a child. He is hurt....he is sick....but he isn't taking care of himself.