Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyCupofTea
Oh--the boundaries that I set and enforced. I forgot to mention that portion.
After weeks of not talking to me he came out on the deck while I was reading and I said "are you finally here to talk" and he paused and then said that he was out of cigarettes and if I gave him money, he would pay me back $40 the next day....
I told him up front 3 weeks ago that if he was going to be handling his own money and not paying anything towards bills, I would not be helping him when he ran out of gas and cigarettes. So...for the first time ever I said no. I was not stern. I just repeated what I had told him in the weeks prior. He went to the other room and kicked a chair. He came back and said something about a favor human to human. Unbelievable. :-(
I left so that I wasn't tempted to give him money.
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Hi.
Look, I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do or give any advice. You've probably received a lot of that already by your friends, family, coworkers and I'm sure the vast majority of it being of the "throw the lazy sod out, he doesn't deserve you, your just enabling..." variety. And they are right - he doesn't and you are.
But you already knew that.
I just wanted to thank you for being so strong, for giving your life, the very best of it to your husband, to anyone of us so blessed to have had someone very, very much like you in our lives. And - yeah, we do know the truth - you could have easily had so much more.
But you chose him because you saw something - what was it? Despite all of the "My GOD!! What does she SEE??" that you probably overheard, you did see something, if only glimmers, hints of what he could have - should have - will become - never became
.
Just wondering what's going on in his head.
Is he waiting for pain to clear his mind? Will terrible pain of loss wake him up? When he finally realizes that he could literally spend a lifetime searching for someone like you only to find that you really were one of a kind? The best thing he could ever have and then has to answer some self-flagellating compulsion to throw it away, over and over again.
He may be living under a cloud of delusion about a lot of things. False beliefs, the belief that life lasts forever, that hearts will always mend, that a heart can be starved without consequences.
Does he think that getting his butt in gear, going to his twelve steps, taking his meds, putting on the tie you bought him for job interviews gonna sweep you off your feet then? Maybe he even checks out a how-to-win-them-back/save your marriage book. Maybe he finally kicks the heroin/exorcises his infantile demon/frees himself of whatever to finally become the man you knew was there all along. And it really was tough, he truly overcame his __________ for you, because he really did love you.
And you would have been so proud of him. But it won't be you anymore. Starving a heart for need has sad consequences and he succeeded in convincing you that you are better off, much better off with ...
Your post really tore me up to read. I see the kind of man my son might become, his long-suffering wife telling someone this story. I see the man that I might have become.
Your husband doesn't have the presence of mind, a mind clouded with dope, biochemistry out of whack, whatever - to say this so I will do it for him.
"Thank you. I did see. I did see you all of this time. I knew. Your love did save me"
I have to thank you as well for reminding me of something and with that, I'm going to wrap up things up early and go take my wife, who's having to attend meetings at another office across town, out for lunch. I've not done that in way, way too long.
Nothing fancy, Just shoot the breeze. Maybe even order a bottle of wine that she likes.
Thank you