Well... I don't know as there is much of anything I can offer with regard to this. What I have experience with myself is having something I'm doing go wrong, getting venomously angry at myself, & then feeling the almost overwhelming urge to throw everything into the crapper!

I've been doing this for years &, although I've gotten better at resisting the urge to go there, I still have a tendency to run there when something goes array. I don't know what the reason is other than that I harbor a deep hatred for myself, which means I have no self-esteem. And so any little insult to my exquisitely fragile ego feels overwhelming. Perhaps what you're experiencing is something similar?

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some interest & perhaps help:

Self-Sabotage: A Pathway to Destruction

Breaking the Link Between Low Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage

Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem Struggles and Strategies That Can Help

How Does Low Self-Esteem Negatively Affect You?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...le-depression/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...-is-different/

I wish you well...