First a bit of History (Warning: gets pretty sexual and personal):

I have always been a sexually minded person. When I was in my early teens I would sneak out to the living room at night and watch late night HBO and Cinemax skin flix. I was never caught. This was before internet porn was the norm but I do remember getting caught doing something else: downloading images from my Dads computer to a 1gig Zip disk. These were jpegs, mostly just nudes and some hentai. A few of the hentai pics were kina risque at the time, BDSM stuff. The BDSM didn't get me off but I remember just downloading everything I could find, whether it interested me or not. In my late highschool\early college years (2005-) I began to start finding video porn through p2p sites like Limewire, and it was at this point that porn became very much a routine for me. I transitioned through several fantasies mostly harmless, some a bit more severe like an incest fetish, but that more or less passed and I became fixated on cuckold porn. I have never been able to define why it arouses me so much, but it has never left me. I first thought I might have porn addiction but the escalation stopped with this fetish. If I had PIED I probably would have moved on to more dangerous and perhaps illegal forms of sex by now.

I was a late bloomer in the world of sex and dating. I am on the Autistic Spectrum, and am very high functioning, but have always been a bit unsure when dealing with the opposite sex due to the social issues that come with ASD. I was shy in high school. I know now that at least one girl in my class was very frustrated with me that I was not catching on to her advances, but back then I just didn't get it.

I finally lost my V-card in 2012 right before my 26th birthday, I was well into cuckolding porn by then, but had no trouble in the bedroom, and it never transitioned there. That night I had made the pleasant discovery that I was actually very good at sex, and that I was well endowed. I had believed before that I was average but my partner put those thoughts to rest. I had a surge of confidence and self-esteem and I became a machine; I dated and had lots of sex. I learned a lot in those first few years. I did have some ED at the time, in the form of never being able to achieve orgasm from sex, but never had problems with premature orgasm or failing to achieve erection.

I fell in love with someone in 2014. She was my first actual legit girlfriend, and she hung the moon for me. Our relationship moved very fast, and she had a lot more experience. She was the one setting the pace and guiding me. She was also the first person I was able to achieve orgasm with. I think that was because I loved her and trusted her so deeply. I know we both loved each other, but about six months in she did a complete 180 in the span of a week, going from saying "I think you are the one" to breaking up with me through a phone call. I found out from her about a week later that she had just cheated on me with a friend of hers right before she called, and she said she knew that she had to end things because she couldn't trust herself. She had gone through some abusive relationships before meeting me as well as a hysterectomy about 4 months before we started dating. So in hindsight, she was a bit of a mess at the time. I knew about these issues and in my naivety thought I could be her rock and help her through her demons. I was extremely hurt for a very long time. Its been three years and I have just in last year finally come to some level of peace with my feelings for her.

I dated a lot over the next year, more so than ever before. One of my girlfriends was using me, she didn't want to commit but liked sex with me. We broke up as GF\BF very quickly and just became sex friends, and she became more distant. It hurt me because I cared about her, but I knew she was using me. I started having trouble achieving erection for the first time during this period. I felt like my love had used me to get over her abusive exs, and my girlfriend after had used me for sex like a toy. I felt like I was a warm-up boyfriend, someone to be used in the short term and discarded. I still kind of feel this way. That I am only useful in the bedroom.

My dating life ended abruptly in late 2016, I went from a serial dater to having just one booty call (the woman who took my virginity, we have had an on again off again sexual relationship when neither of us was seeing someone for years.) The last time I was with her was last Fall. I got into a fight with her about a month after our last sleep over because we had been friends for years and all we ever did was have sex, and the sex was always a secret. I had often tried to setup fun outings with her and she flaked on me almost every time. I also rarely got invited to her own outings. In the rare times I did get invited out to an event with her I was treated as just another dude at the party until everyone else had left and I slept over. A few of her friends knew who I was because they had been roomates with her and knew I slept over sometimes. I haven't been with her since the fight, and she seems to have moved on. So I am effectively sexless and have been for close to a year.

Throughout all this, I have always used cuckold porn, despite the fact that I have never had any issues pleasing women. The girl that was using me didn't break things off precisely because she liked the sex so much, and only ended things when I started having ED. I have always had a very dominant alignment in the bedroom, and I am well endowed, but I still have this fantasy of my partner being unfaithful, and while it gets me off in the short term, it hurts me deeply after the endorphins have gone down. It feels like a minor heartbreak. I feel like I want to cry or hit something and I hate it.

I had these fantasies before I was cheated on, as well as the anger and self loathing after watching the porn, so these things were not brought on by my ex. I have considered I might have a "bull" fantasy and that I just like the idea of a wife becoming submissive to another man. I fantasize about being in the bull role just as much as I do the cuckold side of things, but the cuckold side is still there and still struggles to be acknowledged.

I don't know what to do, as I am not sure what I like about the fantasy and why I like it. I know that consenting cuckolds do not turn me on at all, and I only become aroused at the thought of the wife doing it against her partner's will.

It hurts me because I am not a person who wants to hurt someone, nor do I want to be hurt, but my fantasies involve either sabotaging someone else's relationship or my own. They bring me a lot of hurt for some very brief pleasure.

What should I do? Why do I feel this way? I cannot afford a psychiatrist right now (God bless America, am I right?) and feel like I really need one.