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Old 09-07-2018, 09:07 PM
CasuallyAwkward CasuallyAwkward is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Washington State
Posts: 13
CasuallyAwkward CasuallyAwkward is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Washington State
Posts: 13

Default Re: Don't Know How To Feel

Once again, I'm still in anxiety attack mode, so I 'm feeling very overwhelmed. I'm not allowed to give any input and am told that if anybody should be upset it should be Connie since I've turned her into an abuse victim. I was told that I've been doing this since the beginning of the relationship by getting upset when Connie didn't do the things that I wanted her to do.

The three examples they listed were wearing shoes when they went outside to pace(in an apartment complex where it wasn't unlikely to see broken glass or needles on the pavement), eating what they wanted(I've gotten on them about eating more vegetables), and having the type of relationship that they wanted with another of our friends(whom they spent about half a year telling me they weren't sure if they would leave me to try to get with them if they became available).

Amber also accused me of trying to make Connie feel bad for transitioning and that I didn't actually want a trans partner. They said that stubble causing me pain was ********. I was told that I when I was breaking down that I was sequestering Connie in our room to berate them, especially when friends were planning on coming over the next day. Admitedly, several of my breakdowns did happen when we were expecting company the next day, but they talking like this had been planned! Like there was some big take away for me!

Looking back at everything now, yes. I am at fault here. It sounds like me being upset a lot in the recent past caused Connie a lot of problems. I never wished any of that upon her and wish I could take it all back. I wanted to be more supportive of her transition. I was just so scared for her and didn't know what she was looking for. I thought I was doing so much better than I actually was. There's a reason the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" exists. I feel like I'm living that saying right now.

And at the same time, I'm feeling betrayed. I never knew this was a problem. They deliberately kept this a secret from me for AT LEAST 15 weeks. And they're both well aware that I'm autistic and can't actually check my own behavior. If I don't know there's a problem, I don't know what to look for or even that there's something to look for to begin with.

Not only that, but apparently my best friend that I've known since middle school was in on it too. We'll call them Kate. Kate's actually the one that picked me up from the apartment that night since I was no longer welcomed there. When I asked them why nobody had told me about it sooner, the only response that I got was that it wasn't their place.

So, yeah. That's basically my story of what brings me here. My mind keeps going back and forth about how to feel about the situation. Pretty much the only constant is how alone I feel since a little over a week ago they were the circle of friends that I felt like I could trust. The only others I have left are someone who lives about two hours North of me, and someone who lives on the other side of the country.

I'll give more information if requested. I'm just having a lot of issues trying to figure out everything that happened that night. I don't know what to do with myself.

Thank you very much for reading.

Last edited by CasuallyAwkward; 09-07-2018 at 11:40 PM.
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