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Old 09-10-2018, 01:35 AM
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Default Re: Where to send my mother?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nj_hi View Post
I've already written posts about the problems that my mother is facing, but I'll write a short summary for new readers.

She is getting extremely delusional. There is no one else in our family that she can talk to. She things everybody is a mortal enemy and shouts at neighbours sometimes. These things have decreased a bit since I've started "agreeing" to do whatever she wants me to do.

It is not because of no reason that she has become like this. It is due to the years of loneliness and all kinds of problems that made her like this. But I see a hope in her to get better. But I also think that she has severe BPD (Borderline Personality Syndrome) about which I came to know by the help of this forum only. She acts in a lot of strange ways. I always have to agree to whatever she says or she will start shouting, fighting, doing whatever makes me unhappy.

We have got into worse fights. It's been years now. She has no financial independence, but a more pressing concern is that she is not able to handle her finances well, due to her eratic behaviour. For example, if she think, that, somehow, she should buy this thing and it will do her "good" in some way, although it is pointless, she will go and buy it if she has the money. She does not think about saving money. She has spent too much money already and exhausted her funds over the years. I think she does that to escape from the loneliness. That's acceptable to a certain limit, however. But she knows no limits when she is in the "mood".

She makes me believe what she wants to believe. She makes me do what she wants. Otherwise, I get to endure her wrath, in various ways.

I am totally fed up of this situation now. I thought I could handle her, calm her down, take her out to good places so she feels better. But she, her nature and her personality have eaten me raw every moment of the past few years. I don't have any sense of self now anymore. I am just a puppet following her orders.

She is very cunning and can not be fooled into going into therapy. Staying with her in the house is the most I can do. If I leave her, she will become totally mad and crazy, as she has already demonstrated a year ago when I tried to.

I have spent hours, days, weeks, months, years to make her better. To only temporary improvements.

I am writing this post now, because I do not have any more mental or physical energy left to continue like this. Physical, mainly, because due to the severe atmosphere in which I have to live with her, I smoke a LOT of cigarettes and my lungs are going to say good bye very soon, it seems.

I don't know how long I will live, but I want to be able to do some thing about it, in case I do live long enough, I don't want to have to endure this every day.

The only solution that I can think of now, at least for myself, and I'm not being selfish, is that I need her to move to some place where she can receive calm and good therapy.

I live in India, and do not earn much, but I will do anything I can do get her to that place. Only then will I feel free of her. Running away is not something that appeals to me. I want to solve this problem.

Please let me know if you know of any good place where she can move to permanently. She needs to live in isolation a bit, too much interaction runs her out, if you know what I mean. She needs a healthy and green environment to live in: I've seen her most calm in natural places only. In homes with people around, she gets mad quite too often.

I can not bear her responsibility emotionally any more. Although I feel that's what she needs, I do not have enough left in myself to do that for her, and it will be no good if both of us go mad.

Somewhere I feel, and know, that it is her fault that she is like this. That's because she never changed her basic nature. For example, most of the times, she talks so loudly that my ears burst out hearing her. I am telling her from 10 years to talk softly but she still has not learnt till today. This is just one, simple, example. She is an extremely controlling person and reacts drastically if any of her "commands" are not obeyed. She has all the traits of a narcissistic too. She is never appreciative of the hard work I do to earn money for us, on the contrary, her reaction has always been "Well I am so unlucky that I have to survive off your means, my child!" and that is a totally absurd thing to say. Because, she should be thankful that I do so much for her. That I've spent years trying to mend her. But there is no drop of thankfulness in her. She acts like an animal to me.

I hate her, internally. Obeying each and every one of her orders is degrading. She does not make me do any "bad" things, if you are thinking that way, but, just suppose, that you are working and your mom walked right in and told you to not work this way, work "that" way, for no possible reason OR ANY GOOD THAT WILL DO. And not once, but 10 times each half hour. That's not it, she tries to control me going out of the house, what songs I listen to, everything. I feel like ****. I have never felt so bad. Never imagined that my life would become like this. This is all due to her belief that she thinks she is somehow "supreme" and "the right one". I HATE HER and, although, a son should at least not be proud of saying this, but I AM.

She does not make food. In India, we generally make food at home, I don't know what happens in other countries. But she does not. And that gives rise to problems. You know why? Because I have to get breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, tea, you name it from outside restaurants/hotels every day. I can't prepare any food in the kitchen, because she keeps the house so dirty. She does not allow me to do any cleaning in the house. It will only happen when she feels like cleaning. She does not allow me to keep one good habit or a schedule or anything.

She constantly does not let me sleep. Constantly harasses me while I eat food, so I have to just gobble up food so as to quickly end it. When she does make food, she gives it to me to eat like she did some great sacrifice today for me.

I HATE HER SO MUCH NOW.

But, I love her for the fact that I saw her work hard when I was small, to provide for my education when no other would help. She had been alone, since father was a useless guy, and they got separated.

I have all my sympathies to my mother, but, I can't stand this anymore. She has become someone else.

I can not bear the pain of trying to take her to a therapist every week or so, because, I know, symptoms may get worse and she may well drive me through hell. And I can't bear it.

I need to know of a place, a centre, an oldage home, anything, that I can send her to. I will work as hard as I can to earn enough money to pay for that. But I can't find any good things here in India. Don't even try to suggest the government health centres, they are ****. Please suggest something.
What is her age? If she is an older woman (in her 60's), she has a very serious risk of having dementia (of any type, I cannot judge which.) Although dementia can be diagnosed in younger people, it is not common.


If not, the parts which I made bold suggest me it's something called bipolar disorder. It has two types, one with hypomania and the other with full-blown mania, however, I cannot diagnose her over the internet.


Also, I personally recommend your mother to visit a psychiatrist. He will be able to give a better opinion than me. If she refuses, I suggest you to visit a psychiatrist and tell him the whole situation, he'll be able to make the best decision. If you're afraid of visiting a psychiatrist, then I suggest you to take her to a nursing home.
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