i don't mean literally dreaming, but at the moment i can't stop imagining what it would be like to have had surgery already. i'm saving money but still have a considerable amount to save before i can afford it. i'm in recovery from an ed so don't know that i'll be fully comfortable in my body even then, but i just keep imagining what it would be like not to have this constant anxiety building up and making me round my shoulders to disguise my body. i do have a binder but it doesn't work that well, and where i live there aren't many options for buying binders. i don't have a credit card that i could use to buy one online. it's like the closer i get to being able to afford surgery, the more urgent it feels.
i don't know if it's internalized transphobia but sometimes i imagine that if someone saw me with my clothes off now, it would be like looking at a monster.