And it sucks. It ****ing sucks. I don't know why this is happening, or where it is coming from. And its been happening so so much lately.

I went to meditation group today, then church, then a family party. People really disappoint me, though.

At meditation group, a guy asked for my number. He has a partner though, so I thought it was strange (not sure if his partner is male or female). But I think he just wants to be friends. We have some things in common. He gave me his too, and I texted him tonight that it was nice talking to him, and that we should get together for coffee sometime (it was originally his idea). He texted back and said it was nice to talk to me too, and we just needed to "find a time." It didn't sound too proactive though. So I texted back "how about tuesday or wednesday?" I had a feeling I wouldn't hear anything back. And I didn't. What the ****? Why are people so weird?

At church this morning, I felt uncomfortable, as usual. It was sprinkled with nice moments. But no one really came up to me after to say hi. Not that they had to. I should have come up to them. I just didn't have the guts or energy. So its ok. But it was a lonely feeling to stand in a group of many talking people and to feel ignored.

Also, in meditation group, I'd said "Sorry" after making a joke, and I wanted to apologize for apologizing. I figured people just thought I was lame for even apologizing. I don't know. There was a new person there, and I think they thought I was pathetic.

I just get the feeling a lot that people don't care.

Then at a family party, I went, but I just felt.......bored. My family can be ableist. And I always feel like a loser when my great aunt asks me if I'm working yet.

I just want to connect. And I feel awful that I don't. I don't know if it's me, or other people, or both. But today sucked. A lot.

To top it off, I've been feeling incredibly horny and romantically lonely. It sucks. I need to find a way to take my mind off it. Instead, I go into Fix-it mode, and hyper focus on it.

People suck!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to be the one doing all the work. But I may be. I think I also don't feel grounded right now. I'm thinking of things that make me feel the opposite of grounded, like jobs and work. And nonexistent friends. So I need to find a way to ground myself. I will probably write some haiku and listen to jazz, then try to fall asleep.